In this week’s advice column, we tackle a tricky situation that many parents might face: what to do when you discover that your child’s friend is being dishonest about something significant, especially when it involves something risky like social media.
Dear Parenting Guide,
My daughter recently confided in me that her friend, Lily, has set up a TikTok account without her mother’s knowledge. Lily’s mom is staunchly against it, and if she found out, she would be furious. This rule is a big deal for her, and now my daughter is pleading with me not to say anything because she doesn’t want her friend to view her as a snitch. Should I intervene, or should I just stay out of it?
Navigating social media use is a relatively new challenge for parents. Unlike previous generations, we don’t have a roadmap when it comes to platforms like TikTok or Instagram. We’re all in uncharted territory, and it can be overwhelming.
On one hand, there’s the desire to warn Lily’s mom about her daughter’s risky online behavior. On the other, you don’t want to betray your daughter’s trust, especially since she shared this information with you in confidence.
Not all defiant behaviors are serious. If Lily had been sneaking out of the house wearing a coat just to please her mom, that wouldn’t warrant a call to her parents. However, social media platforms like TikTok can expose kids to many dangers, from inappropriate content and cyberbullying to online predators posing as peers.
Lily’s mom has her reasons for banning TikTok—she likely believes it could threaten her daughter’s well-being, whether that’s moral integrity or physical safety. A secret is only harmless if it doesn’t pose a risk to someone’s safety, and in this case, it certainly could. If something untoward were to happen, you wouldn’t want to carry the weight of not having alerted Lily’s mom.
As frustrating as this is, it’s likely time to inform Lily’s mother. You don’t have to make a big production out of it; a simple heads-up that her daughter might have a TikTok account could suffice. If possible, you might ask her not to disclose that the information came from your daughter, which could help mitigate any potential fallout.
Now, regarding your daughter’s trust: honesty is the best policy here. Explain to her that if a secret poses a danger, it’s one that can’t be kept. Highlight the reasons behind this—children often need reminders about the potential risks associated with certain behaviors. Reassure her that you’re not out to ruin her fun; you simply want to ensure the safety of her and her friends. Emphasize the difference between “good” secrets, like surprise parties, and those that could lead to harm.
Secrecy can often lead to riskier behaviors and situations. It’s crucial that Lily’s mom is informed about her daughter’s TikTok usage for her safety—even if she doesn’t see it that way right now.
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Summary
When faced with the dilemma of whether to inform a parent about their child’s secret online activity, it’s important to weigh both the potential risks involved and the trust of your own child. Ultimately, prioritizing safety is crucial even if it means breaking a confidence.
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