As I sit here, watching you sleep, I’m taking in every detail of your face. This moment feels significant; perhaps it will be the last time I see you like this—calm and serene. I rest my head on your chest, enveloped by your scent, struggling to maintain my composure. For one final time, I allow myself to be vulnerable, truly feeling the depth of my love for you.
Tomorrow will bring a stark change. You’ll notice the way I flinch when you try to embrace me. My words will be sharp, my demeanor distant. Yet, despite the walls I put up, my heart pounds so fiercely that I wonder how I’ll walk away without crumbling under the weight of it all.
I have loved you with an intensity that has sometimes felt like it was melting parts of my very being. Each piece has pooled at my feet, unrecognizable and lost. Faced with the thought of losing you, I find myself only recalling the good times. I remember how your smile brightens your entire face and your hands, rough yet gentle, which felt like velvet against my skin. I cherish the bond you share with my children.
The moments of betrayal fade like a bad dream, and the harsh words and fear dissipate from my mind. I forget the panic that consumed me each morning, uncertain of which version of you I would encounter.
You embody the essence of a real-life Jekyll and Hyde, split in two yet seamlessly stitched together. One side hurls spiteful words while the other offers love and compassion. I recall how you look at our son, filled with wonder for his existence, yet I also remember the hurtful remarks directed at my daughter, leaving her embarrassed and ashamed.
You’ve somehow convinced me that late-night ice cream and bicycles in the kitchen are paramount for a happy child. The girls yearn for the father who taught them to fish and play catch, missing the man who blended elegance with ruggedness effortlessly.
Your contradictions leave me questioning my sanity. How can you be so cruel at times and yet so generous and caring at others? The highs are exhilarating, while the lows plunge us into despair.
I mourn the man I wish you could be—the one with the infectious laugh and charming smile, who would drop everything for a moonlit horseback ride. Your absence is felt deeply by the children, their longing evident in every question they ask, wearing my patience thin. I often make excuses for you, citing work or travel, sometimes relenting for the sake of the kids and myself.
It’s astonishing how quickly we find ourselves back on the same relentless merry-go-round. Temporary changes occur, yet we always revert to where we began, trapped in a cycle of the same haunting tune. How do you make a choice that you know will shatter the hearts of your children and yourself? For now, we must navigate the tightrope of our lives, teetering between desire and what’s best for us. Love and boundaries will coexist.
I will quietly wish for change, yet I won’t count on it. I’ve promised myself to build a solid foundation for my children, regardless of which version of you appears each day. We want you in our lives, but I refuse to let us depend on you.
You are simultaneously the man of my dreams and my greatest fear. As all dreams must conclude, you will always be my favorite—a man bound to a monster. I hope to still catch glimpses of you in my dreams, meeting under the stars on horseback, where the monster cannot find us. In the tranquil countryside beneath a full moon, may we find solace and unspoken affection.
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Summary:
This heartfelt letter captures the complexity of loving someone who embodies both warmth and cruelty. It explores the emotional turmoil and contradictions in the relationship, while expressing a longing for change and stability for the children involved. The author reflects on cherished memories and the struggle to maintain love amid challenges.
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