Recently, I found myself at the grocery store with my mother and my children. My two youngest daughters, Clara and Lila, were perched in the cart—Clara dressed in a vibrant princess outfit, while Lila lounged cross-legged within the cart, sporting a cute dress adorned with daisies. My eldest son, Ethan, walked beside us, donning a sporty jacket. My wife was home, and this outing marked my mother’s first visit since we relocated to Oregon nearly two years ago.
As we navigated the produce aisle, I noticed a hint of discomfort in my mother’s demeanor. I couldn’t quite place whether she was puzzled by my role in the shopping or apprehensive about me managing all three kids alone, or perhaps a mix of both. Growing up, she was accustomed to a different dynamic, where traditional norms dictated household responsibilities.
After filling the cart with fresh fruits and vegetables, my mother finally broke the silence. “Do you usually handle the shopping?” she inquired.
I hesitated for a moment. “Yes, most of the time,” I replied. “But it varies depending on our schedules.”
“Do you take all the kids along, too?” she continued, her curiosity evident.
“Usually,” I confirmed. “But it depends; sometimes we split tasks.”
Her laughter caught me off guard. “What’s so amusing?” I asked.
She looked at me, her eyes revealing the exhaustion of countless trips to the store with children, always alone, devoid of support in household chores. “I just don’t understand where you learned this from,” she admitted.
I wanted to explain my feminist beliefs. I wished to convey that my wife, Sarah, and I reject outdated gender roles, opting instead for a partnership that prioritizes skillsets and availability. We’ve swapped roles—there were times when I was a stay-at-home dad while she worked. Sarah manages our finances because she excels in that area, while I tackle laundry on the weekends. During our college years, we supported each other in various ways, with one working while the other studied.
Our arrangement is not about dominance but teamwork focused on our primary goal—raising our family. This approach has fostered a level of trust, love, and reliance that I never witnessed in my parents’ relationship, which often adhered to rigid gender expectations.
But I was aware that to my mother, feminism conjured images of angry protests and bra-burning, not a fair partnership. So, I refrained from using the term and instead illustrated the positives of being a supportive father and husband.
“I must have picked it up along the way,” I said lightly. “But it’s really rewarding.” I shared how engaged I am with my kids—their interests, their meals, and even conversations about hygiene, all of which emerge from my involvement. I’ve had the pleasure of teaching them everything from mowing the lawn to proper dishwasher loading. I genuinely feel I understand them better than my father understood me.
“The best part is the time we share,” I added. “I cherish every moment.”
“How does Sarah feel about this?” my mom asked, prompting me to reflect.
“I assume she appreciates it,” I replied. “We communicate as equals. If something needs doing, we don’t assign it based on gender; we decide who’s best suited to handle it. In many ways, this approach has brought us closer.” I encouraged her to ask Sarah about her perspective instead of relying solely on me.
Mom shrugged, likely reluctant to inquire further. Unexpectedly, while we waited in line to pay, she remarked, “I just don’t get it. Your brother is the same way. I suppose when I was a mother, I’d have welcomed the help.”
I smiled, enjoying the shift in her viewpoint. As we loaded the van, she commented, “It seems you are a good father.”
“Sounds like you’re beginning to embrace some feminist ideas, Mom,” I teased.
She rolled her eyes dramatically. “Don’t start with that nonsense.”
I chuckled, “Never.”
In summary, my experience at the grocery store with my mother highlighted the benefits of embracing a feminist perspective in family dynamics. By sharing responsibilities and engaging fully in parenting, I have fostered a deeper connection with my children and created an equitable partnership with my wife. It’s a rewarding journey that challenges traditional norms and nurtures our family’s growth.
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