I still vividly recall the unease of being embraced by relatives or acquaintances from church whom I hardly knew. The closeness felt overwhelming, and I certainly didn’t appreciate the various scents that accompanied them—whether it was body odor, cologne, or an excessive amount of perfume. It’s funny how distinct memories of adult aromas can linger in your mind, isn’t it?
I also remember the pressure to engage in physical contact. Being told I was ungrateful for not kissing Grandma or perceived as rude for not hugging Mr. Davis after the Sunday service left me feeling trapped. If I didn’t reciprocate an “I love you,” I was considered disrespectful or spoiled.
As an adult, my feelings about physical affection fluctuate. Some days I crave hugs, while others, overwhelmed by life’s demands and social interactions, prefer to keep my distance. I can still express warmth and kindness without physical contact, and I strive to teach my children the importance of personal boundaries.
I don’t compel my kids to hug or high-five when greeting or saying farewell, nor do I insist they reciprocate “I love you,” even if those words come from me. The hugs I received as a child often left me feeling more miserable than loved; it felt dishonest to force words of affection when I wasn’t genuinely feeling them.
I now recognize that what I experienced was a sense of obligation. I felt pressured to fulfill others’ comfort at the expense of my own feelings. I refuse to let my children endure that pressure. I’ve observed situations where relatives and even acquaintances have tried to pressure my kids into giving hugs, often resorting to exaggerated disappointment or faux tears, as if my children were responsible for their happiness.
Physical touch does not inherently signify love or affection. I firmly tell my children, “You don’t have to hug anyone. You can choose to give a high five or a fist bump, but you’re not obligated to do even that.” Despite the bewildered looks from adults, I emphasize to both my kids and those adults that it’s their body, and they have the right to choose what feels comfortable.
I want my children to understand consent and personal autonomy. They should feel empowered to control their bodies, especially when they begin forming intimate relationships. If they’ve been subjected to obligatory physical contact throughout their childhood, how will they grasp the concept of consent?
I’m not concerned if someone finds my approach impolite or offensive. I prefer to equip my children with the confidence to assert themselves and recognize that they can decline anything that doesn’t feel right. I express my love for them often, but I never demand it in return. They occasionally surprise me with spontaneous expressions of love, which melts my heart, but I don’t say “I love you” to elicit a response.
While hearing “I love you” is undeniably nice, love should not come with conditions or expectations. It’s a painful reality that love may not always be reciprocated, and my kids need to learn to navigate rejection and the importance of respect. Honesty about feelings is paramount, and obligatory affection is not true love.
I remind my children that expressing love and affection can sometimes be daunting and that it’s perfectly acceptable to not be ready. No one should ever pressure them into returning love or affection. Offering oneself to another is a gift that should be cherished. I want my children to understand this fundamental concept and to feel empowered to say no, just as they should be receptive to hearing the word no from others.
Not reciprocating affection is not a sign of rudeness or ingratitude, and I will never allow anyone to impose those feelings on my children. Love and affection cannot be demanded; they must be given freely, and I will protect my children from those who seek to take what they are not willing to give.
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In summary, I believe in fostering an environment where my children can express their feelings genuinely and understand the importance of consent and personal autonomy. By not forcing affection, I am helping them build confidence and respect for themselves and others.
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