A recent article in a prominent publication suggested that parents who raise their voices at their children appear “out of control” and “weak,” labeling yelling as “the most common parental foolishness today.” After reading this, I had a candid discussion with a few close friends, and we collectively expressed our frustrations about losing our tempers and, in that moment, feeling like we were failing as parents. We agreed that we need to strive for better.
However, much like an uncomfortable tag on the back of my shirt, the article’s sentiments started to irritate me. I felt defensive—not only because I occasionally raise my voice at my kids, aged 12 and 8, but also because every parent I know has raised their voice at least once. Even those parents who seem perfect—full of patience and whose kids are kind, brave, and well-adjusted—still yell sometimes. It seems we all share this experience, so why do such guilt-inducing articles keep surfacing?
Clarifying My Stance
First, let me clarify: I’m not advocating for unchecked screaming at children. It’s vital to never belittle or demean our kids. Yelling should not be a primary disciplinary method. However, the reality is that in the whirlwind of daily life, yelling can occur. Sometimes it’s over trivial matters, like getting kids to brush their teeth on time. Other times, it’s about more significant issues, like preventing a sibling from being harmed. We may even raise our voices just to be heard amid the chaos of family life.
My issue with the article and similar ones is the lack of nuance in their arguments. For instance, it referenced a study from 2013 that focused on a small group of families with teenagers and used the term “harsh verbal discipline” rather than simply “yelling.” Isn’t there a distinction between yelling to get a child to put on their shoes and angrily berating a child for spilling a drink?
The Importance of Nuance
Nuance is essential.
The article suggests that instead of yelling, parents should model desired behaviors, such as putting their shoes away and then praising their children when they follow suit. However, what happens when a child forgets? Kids aren’t robots; they may not remember their morning instructions after a long day at school. Do we just ignore it? Not that I’m suggesting we scream at them for a few forgotten shoes, but the practicality of this praise-only approach seems questionable.
In reality, by the time a parent gets home, kids may have already thrown their backpacks on the floor and taken off their clothes. They often need multiple reminders to put their shoes away. And yes, in those moments, we might yell, simply because we are human.
Moreover, the article appears to target parents of younger children, while the study specifically focused on teens aged 13 to 14. Do we parent our 13-year-olds in the same way we did when they were six? If I attempted a Broadway-style performance for my 12-year-old, he’d likely think I had lost my mind.
Understanding Our Reactions
While I typically don’t raise my voice over shoes left out, my frustrations come out when my child is intentionally delaying getting ready in the morning or testing boundaries, which can happen, especially during adolescence. After these moments, we have meaningful conversations about his behavior. If I lose my cool, I apologize, but most of the time, my yelling is a strategic response, and it gets through to him.
An important point from the 2013 study, often overlooked, is the reciprocal relationship between a child’s behavior and “harsh verbal punishment.” Yes, there is a correlation; children who misbehave more tend to be yelled at more. It’s a cycle: the child’s actions influence the parent’s reactions, which is something we all experience.
Final Thoughts
To be clear, I’m not endorsing constant yelling. It can be damaging. However, articles lacking nuance only serve to make well-meaning parents feel inadequate. If you’re doing your best as a parent, showing love and support, engaging in meaningful conversations about kindness and personal growth, and yes, sometimes yelling, then you’re likely doing just fine.
In summary, parenting is a challenging journey filled with ups and downs, and while yelling occasionally happens, it doesn’t define our abilities as parents. It’s important to recognize the nuances in our actions and understand that we’re all in this together. For more insights on parenting and home insemination, you can check out resources like Progyny and explore this guide for self-insemination tools from Make a Mom.
Leave a Reply