Trigger warning: miscarriage
January 28, 2023, marked the day I received that life-changing positive pregnancy test—a moment of sheer joy. My partner and I had meticulously prepared: pre-conception check-ups, vitamins, a balanced diet, exercise, and even charting cycles with ovulation predictor kits to maximize our chances. And to our amazement, it worked!
I was taken aback—more shocked than anything else—when I saw that early positive test. It was only the first month, and I couldn’t believe it was happening this fast. The excitement bubbled up as we shared the wonderful news with our 8-year-old daughter, Lily, who burst into tears of happiness. We were overjoyed, eagerly anticipating our little one due on October 13.
We decided to keep the news low-key, waiting until after the first trimester to share our joy with more family and friends. Those initial weeks were filled with pure happiness, especially as Lily made plans for her new sibling, dreaming about how she would dress them up and take them for rides in her toy car.
But then, on February 18, everything changed. I started spotting at work. Everyone reassured me that it was normal, but deep down, I knew something wasn’t right. The next day, after a doctor’s appointment and a beta test to check my HCG levels, my worst fears were confirmed: my numbers weren’t doubling as they should have been. That evening, the spotting worsened, and I was advised to go to the ER.
After hours of waiting, we finally saw our baby on the ultrasound with a tiny heartbeat of 110 beats per minute. It felt like a glimmer of hope, but that was quickly dashed when my beta numbers dropped the next day. I worked from home, and while the spotting slowed, it gave me a false sense of security. Unfortunately, the bleeding returned, leading us to a dark reality as I found myself shopping for pads and underwear—an unthinkable task.
The following morning’s appointment delivered the devastating news: we saw our baby with a fluttering heartbeat that was fading in a shrinking sac. The technician gently informed us that she had never seen a situation like this lead to a healthy pregnancy. Our doctor offered kind words, explaining that it wasn’t our fault and what we could expect in the coming weeks.
We were heartbroken. How could we do everything right and still end up here? It didn’t matter how rational I knew it was; in that moment, I only felt loss. We scheduled a follow-up appointment to confirm the miscarriage and hoped for a clear scan, which would indicate an empty and healing uterus.
In the days that followed, I experienced an emotional rollercoaster, alternating between sadness, anger, and an indescribable grief. Lily cried the hardest, and I felt like I was merely going through the motions of life. Friends offered support, but I often found myself overwhelmed by well-meaning comments and questions, like “When will you try again?”—a question that felt impossibly insensitive.
Then came the unexpected realities of miscarriage that no one warns you about. I witnessed things that no one should ever have to see, which only deepened my sorrow and frustration. At my next doctor’s visit, I learned my uterus was now “unremarkable”—meaning no baby, no remnants, just a fresh start that felt far from my reach.
I know that in time, I will heal. I have a healthy 8-year-old to cherish, and I’m grateful for that. I will navigate this journey like countless other mothers who have endured similar heartache. I’ve learned that sometimes, there are simply no words to express the depth of such loss, just a heartfelt “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
To those who have supported me—my therapist, my partner, and my coworkers—thank you. I’m taking things one day at a time, and that’s okay. Remember, any loss is a real loss—not just a “miscarriage.” Even at seven weeks, that little one was our BABY, and we were so excited to meet him.
For further insights and resources on pregnancy, you might find valuable information at WHO’s pregnancy page as well as in our guide on home insemination kits.
Summary:
This heartfelt account shares the emotional journey of experiencing a miscarriage, emphasizing the profound impact of loss, regardless of gestational age. The author reflects on the initial joy of pregnancy, the subsequent heartache, and the support received from loved ones during this challenging time. It’s a reminder that every loss matters and that healing is a gradual process.
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