What I Wish My Friends With Neurotypical Kids Understood

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For many parents, labels hold little significance—until they do. For the first few years of my son’s life, I was simply “Mom.” That was my sole identifier. However, once we noticed that his behaviors diverged from typical developmental milestones around 18 months, everything changed. By the time he was four and a half, he received his first diagnosis: Severe ADHD, Combined Type. Along with that label came mine: Special Needs Mom.

Suddenly, I was no longer just another parent juggling drop-offs, school meetings, and weekend sports. I was now defined by a diagnosis that eventually expanded to encompass five different labels for my vibrant, energetic seven-year-old. As a result, my perception of you shifted too. You went from being my friend or relative to a “Neurotypical Mom.”

The term “normal” often gets a bad rap in discussions about mental health, which is why your child’s achievements are labeled neurotypical to avoid offense. Yet, unless someone takes a moment to notice our contrasting appearances—your well-groomed self versus my, shall we say, more disheveled look—most people wouldn’t recognize our differences. The societal pressures placed on us and our kids remain largely the same.

Let’s be real—parenting is tough, and it should come with a manual that lasts six years. But raising a child with special needs can feel like a surreal, exhausting nightmare that rivals the most dramatic movies of the ’90s. Here are five important insights that my fellow Special Needs Moms and I wish our Neurotypical friends understood about our everyday lives, even if it’s hard to voice them.

1. Our Successes Aren’t the Same as Yours.
   In our home, we celebrate milestones that may seem trivial to you, like managing an entire day without a meltdown, communicating effectively, or simply getting out of the house without chaos. These are monumental victories for us, and when they happen, we celebrate like there’s no tomorrow.
2. Sometimes We Feel Resentful—And It’s Not Your Fault.
   When our child has a breakdown in a public place, it can be hard not to envy your seemingly “easy” parenting challenges. For instance, while you might feel embarrassed by a child’s minor outburst, we are grappling with much bigger issues. But I understand that everyone’s struggles are valid, even if they look different.
3. We Struggle to Ask for Help.
   Parenting special needs children is a whole new level of exhaustion. Imagine juggling the fatigue of a newborn with the demands of a toddler, and you start to get a sense of our daily grind. We often don’t have a safety net of people we can trust with our kids, especially when they have special requirements or are prone to meltdowns. This makes asking for help feel like a burden, even though we desperately need it.
4. Worry Is Our Constant Companion.
   Whether it’s about making the right choices for therapies or concerns about our children’s futures, the anxiety never truly leaves us. You may worry about typical childhood issues, while we contemplate harsh realities like higher risks of mental health struggles in our kids. Sometimes, the weight of these worries becomes unbearable.
5. There Are Days We Just Can’t Stand It.
   This isn’t a reflection of how deeply we love our children. We advocate fiercely for them, educate others about their needs, and cherish them profoundly. However, we often feel lost and exhausted. The strain on our relationships can be immense, with divorce rates among parents of special needs kids reaching nearly 80%. We never asked for this journey, but we are navigating it nonetheless.

So, what do we need from you, our Neurotypical friends? We need you to fight for our friendship, show up with a meal, or simply sit with our kids long enough for us to catch a breath. We need your understanding, support, and above all, your presence—even if we have to cancel plans at the last minute. Please don’t give up on us.

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Summary

Navigating the complexities of parenting a child with special needs can be a unique and isolating experience. Understanding and support from friends with neurotypical children can make a world of difference. Celebrating different milestones, recognizing the challenges, and maintaining open lines of communication are essential for fostering meaningful relationships in this journey.