Recently, my children were excitedly flipping through a summer catalog, circling the beach towels they wanted, inquiring about water shoes, rash guards, and bathing suits. Each of my three kids eagerly marked their picks with initials. But as my son pointed out a pair of boardshorts, a wave of anxiety washed over me. It wasn’t about the cost of new summer gear; I was suddenly reminded that if they were ready to wear bathing suits, I would soon have to face that challenge too.
I fully support body positivity and encourage my kids, friends, and even strangers to embrace their bodies as they are. I reject the notion of having a “beach body” or a “bikini body.” In theory, the idea that everyone should just wear what they want is liberating, but for some of us, it’s not that simple.
While it’s true that we shouldn’t concern ourselves with how others look at the pool, finding that freedom becomes nearly impossible when you feel confined within your own skin. My struggle with bathing suits goes beyond mere aesthetics; it stems from profound body dysphoria. I often feel estranged from my own body, battling feelings that range from discomfort to deep depression.
As a nonbinary individual, I possess female anatomy but do not identify as female or male. My gender identity influences how I present myself, often leaning toward a more masculine appearance in clothing, hair, and even swimwear. However, my breasts complicate things significantly. They are a constant reminder of a gender identity that I do not align with, and I have plans to seek surgery to remove them when possible. The societal expectations tied to female features often mislead others about my identity.
While I gravitate toward men’s clothing to minimize my breasts, finding swimwear that aligns with my gender identity is another hurdle. Boardshorts are my go-to for the bottom, but I still need a top to comply with public standards, which is where things get tricky. Women’s swimwear doesn’t cater to my body type and only heightens my dysphoria. I try not to let my body define me, but the reality is that swimwear often forces me into a gender binary that I don’t fit into comfortably.
In the past, I opted for sports bras and T-shirts, but thankfully, there are now brands catering to those of us with female anatomy but who don’t wish to wear traditionally feminine suits. The growing demand for inclusive swimwear options among butch women, transgender men, and nonbinary individuals reflects a need for diversity in this space.
Currently, I wear a compression top—think of a snug sleeveless T-shirt—paired with my boardshorts. While this is my most comfortable solution and I’m grateful for these alternative options, they can be costly. It’s one thing to stand out as a mom in men’s attire at a school function; it’s another to be the odd one at a public pool.
The compression top, while functional, isn’t the most comfortable choice either. It’s designed for swimming, but it tends to be thick, cumbersome, and takes a while to dry, especially on hot days. My nonbinary identity is a source of pride, yet societal perceptions of gender and expectations amplify my feelings of not belonging. Unlike my children, who relish the thought of summer swims, I find the idea of putting on a bathing suit daunting.
Wearing a bathing suit requires significant mental preparation. It involves convincing myself that I won’t be the center of attention and reminding myself that I deserve to be my authentic self, regardless of societal standards. I can’t simply slip into a bathing suit; it’s a process that requires planning and self-care after enduring a heightened sense of unease.
In summary, the journey of putting on a bathing suit is complex and deeply personal. It goes beyond mere fabric and encompasses feelings of identity, belonging, and self-acceptance. For many, including myself, it’s not just about the swimsuit itself but about navigating the intricate relationship with our bodies.
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