“Is that your nanny?” people often ask when they see me with my son. Over the first eighteen months of his life, I faced this question almost weekly. Once he began speaking and called me “Mommy,” the puzzled expressions emerged; it seemed difficult for some to accept that I was indeed his mother.
Even now, we still encounter those looks. It’s tempting to wave my hands and shout, “Yes, I’m a black woman! Yes, I’m his mom! He came from my body, and if you ask me again if I’m his nanny, I might just lose it!” But I usually just nod and move on, unwilling to feed their curiosity.
After four years, I’ve seen it all, but the frustration remains palpable. It’s not just me; it’s a common experience among mothers of color with mixed-race children who may not resemble them.
Recently, a video went viral showcasing a little girl bursting into her dad’s live BBC interview, quickly followed by a baby in a walker. The woman who rushed in to retrieve the children was quickly labeled as “the nanny” by many viewers—simply because she was Asian and her husband was white. When the truth surfaced that she was their mother, some still insisted that her demeanor led to the assumption. But let’s not sugarcoat this: women of color are often presumed to be caregivers until proven otherwise.
When I’m out with my son, I am often greeted with the “nanny” label until I clarify, “Oh, no, he’s mine!” A search for “mixed race family” on stock photo sites shows that about 75% of the images depict families with a father of color and a white mother. Black men are statistically more inclined to date outside their race than black women, but that doesn’t mean black women don’t engage in interracial relationships. Many of my friends are women of color in such partnerships. So why do people still assume that a black woman with a child who looks more like their father must be the nanny?
It’s ignorant and inconsiderate to inquire about a stranger’s child’s parentage. It’s hard to believe I even need to say this, but here we are.
The lack of representation of mothers of color with mixed children perpetuates this issue. I’ve often had kids ask me, “Why is your son white?” I’m patient with them, explaining that his dad is white and that he resembles his father more than me. This highlights how many individuals neglect to teach their children about the diverse nature of families.
As my son approaches school age, I dread the questions he might face from peers. I refuse to teach him to simply brush off these inquiries. Whether it makes him or me seem rude, he should not have to answer “What are you?” repeatedly while trying to live his life.
Being a mother of color, especially a black mother to a fair-skinned child, comes with its own challenges. It makes some uncomfortable when I say my son might be perceived as white. While people often insist he looks just like me, he also carries features from his father—and that’s perfectly fine. Many mixed children embody a blend of traits from both parents.
Acknowledging that my experience as a black mom with a light-skinned child differs from that of a white mother with mixed kids isn’t an act of defensiveness. It’s simply a reality. A white mother of mixed children doesn’t typically face the same assumptions or questions regarding her kids’ appearances.
This isn’t my first discussion on this topic. The dismissal of women of color’s feelings in these situations is widespread. People say things like, “Can’t you just be happy about your child?” or “Why do you care what others think?” But I keep asking: why do people feel entitled to question me and my child? Compliments are welcome; I know my son is adorable and intelligent. But once the conversation veers into invasive territory regarding his paternity or our relationship, that crosses a line.
Addressing this frustrating phenomenon doesn’t make me or other women of color overly sensitive. We are not obligated to tolerate ignorance or curiosity at our expense.
I’m not the caregiver. And I owe you no explanations.
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In conclusion, the assumptions made about mothers of color with mixed-race children are rooted in ignorance and lack of representation. It’s time to challenge these stereotypes and recognize the diversity of family structures.
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