From a friend of mine, I discovered the concept of giving my children “invisible awards.” When they achieve something extraordinary or tackle a challenge, I present them with an invisible trophy. I describe its exquisite beauty or the golden inscription it holds. Only my partner and I possess this secret ability, preventing the kids from creating these treasures on their own. They find it amusing and accept these trophies joyfully, willing to go to great lengths for them — including my nine-year-old.
This approach is akin to storytelling, a playful method that reinforces positive behavior. Dr. Sarah Thompson, a psychologist at a local university, explained that “stories inherently contain elements that are far more engaging than simple statements.” The Inuit have long recognized this truth, using narratives to instill values in their children, particularly in managing their emotions.
The Inuit, as noted by the Inuulitsivik community, are the indigenous people of the North American Arctic, numbering around 40,000 in Canada and 16,500 in the U.S. In their culture, controlling anger and hostile emotions is crucial. They believe accidents and mistakes should be met with gentle laughter rather than anger, fostering strong self-control over emotions. According to Inuit elder, Anna K. from the Qipisa community, expressing anger is viewed as immature.
Inuit parenting is known for its gentleness; yelling at children is virtually unheard of. Richard Guy Harper, who studied Inuit youth for three years, noted that he encountered only one confirmed case of physical discipline. Misbehaving children aren’t labeled as “bad” but rather as those who “might not be able to listen.” As the Alberta Learning website states, physical reprimands like slapping are not acceptable.
Inuit elders have expressed their disbelief at the notion of yelling at children. “It only elevates your own stress levels,” one elder remarked. When young ones act out, it is often a sign of their distress, and parents need to understand the underlying cause.
Yelling is demeaning, reducing the adult to a child’s level of frustration. Clinical psychologist and author Laura Markham pointed out that such reactions teach children to respond with anger.
This perspective starkly contrasts the traditional Western practices of yelling, spanking, or imposing time-outs. Instead, Inuit parents rely on storytelling to guide behavior. When children misbehave, everyone waits until emotions settle before addressing the situation. The lesson is most effective when both parent and child are calm. Parents reenact the incident, perhaps playfully provoking the child by saying things like, “Don’t you like me?” or “Ouch, that hurts!”
In a unique example, I once witnessed a mother hand her child a small stone, encouraging him to hit her playfully. “Go on, hit me harder!” she urged, dramatically reacting with “Ow! That hurts!” This may sound bizarre, reminiscent of a scene from a movie, but it serves a purpose: children learn to manage their emotions while understanding appropriate responses to their actions through play.
Furthermore, Inuit storytelling can extend to more imaginative tales that might shock some Western parents. For instance, to deter children from the ocean, instead of scolding them, parents might weave a story about a sea monster that would whisk them away. It’s a frightening concept, but it effectively keeps children safe. Similarly, to ensure children wear their hats, they might be told that the northern lights will take their heads away. “We were so scared,” giggled one Inuit child, illustrating the playful yet effective nature of their discipline methods. Just like my invisible trophies, these stories reinforce positive behavior in a captivating way.
While I may not be ready to adopt the sea monster tales, I see potential in waiting until both my children and I are calm before addressing misbehavior. This method could help them develop emotional regulation in a safe environment.
In our family, I plan to expand beyond invisible awards and delve into storytelling that addresses behavioral issues. Although my children are past the stage of doll reenactments, I can certainly incorporate some Inuit techniques. This could help them practice self-control and offer me a chance to manage my own emotions better before responding to their actions.
In conclusion, Inuit parenting provides a refreshing alternative to the yelling and punitive measures common in many Western cultures, emphasizing calmness, storytelling, and emotional regulation.
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