I still recall that day at church when a mother we had just met encouraged my wife, Sarah, and me to have more children. It was 2010, and we had recently moved to Minnesota with our two kids, the youngest of whom was still in diapers. Her words were not exactly confrontational, but they struck a nerve. As we chatted about our family, Sarah mentioned our first child, and the woman casually remarked, “You can’t really stop at two, right?” She went on to extol the virtues of her five children, claiming that each addition was a blessing and that parenting only got easier with more kids. I struggled to keep my composure, wanting to cover her mouth to stop the stream of unsolicited advice.
Of course, I didn’t do that. We thanked her politely but didn’t disclose our reality. We didn’t mention that Sarah had experienced a severe case of toxemia with our first child that necessitated an emergency C-section, or that just weeks before this conversation, our youngest, Lily, had required oxygen at birth due to her underdeveloped lungs and spent over a week in the NICU. I was a shell of myself, weighed down by the stress, and the medical bills were piling up. Each time Lily cried, I felt an overwhelming gratitude that she was even able to cry, given she hadn’t been able to when she was born.
It was around this time that Sarah and I made the decision not to have more children. The thought of adding to our family brought back the trauma of nearly losing our second child and the harrowing experience of our first emergency delivery. At that moment, we didn’t need a stranger insisting we should have more kids—it felt like a personal obligation to her, not to us. Yes, we had once considered having a larger family, but that was before we had fought tooth and nail to keep our second child alive. Ultimately, our choice to stop growing our family was nobody else’s business.
Family Planning is Personal
Family planning is a deeply personal issue. Some couples cannot afford more children, some are concerned about overpopulation, while others may have faced the heart-wrenching challenge of infertility, where bringing even one child into the world is a monumental achievement. And then there are those who simply choose not to have children at all—that’s perfectly valid too. Every family’s size is “right” for its unique circumstances; bigger isn’t always better.
After five years, we did decide to welcome another child, and our little one, Evan, arrived healthy and without complications. However, Sarah’s recovery was unexpectedly tough; she suffered from pockets of air trapped in her body post-C-section, something we had never heard of before. I still remember those sleepless nights when she cried out in pain, which extended her recovery time significantly. After that experience, we knew we were done. Three children felt just right for us, and I opted for a vasectomy—no regrets whatsoever.
Yet, just two months after Evan’s arrival, another stranger—a mom at the park—insisted we should have “just one more.” It was as if our journey didn’t matter to her; she just blurted out her thoughts. I’ve heard similar suggestions from coworkers and even family, as if the choice to grow our family was theirs to make. That kind of commentary wears thin quickly.
Respecting Personal Choices
Now that our youngest is nearly five, and as Sarah and I approach our late 30s, the queries about adding to our family have lessened. I appreciate this shift, but the truth is, these conversations should have been avoided altogether. The decision to have children, or how many to raise, is intensely personal, influenced by countless factors that may not be apparent to outsiders. It can pose serious challenges for some and even endanger the lives of both mother and child. Ultimately, the choice belongs to the couple.
So, unless someone expresses a desire for advice on expanding their family, let’s keep our opinions about family size to ourselves.
For those interested in exploring family planning options, consider checking out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination, or discover more about your fertility journey through these insights. And if you’re looking for tools to aid in conception, visit this guide.
In summary, family size is a personal decision that should be respected, not dictated by outsiders. Each family’s journey is unique, and the choice to have more children—or not—belongs solely to the parents.
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