I often find myself longing for more time with my family. After relocating to the Midwest, a few states now separate us, limiting our visits to just a handful each year. These trips home offer a much-needed recharge, helping me cope with the isolation I feel while away from them.
During my visits, I attempt to recreate my pre-marriage and pre-kids lifestyle. I catch up with old friends, revisit favorite eateries, and occasionally indulge in the nightlife. However, after being a mother for over three years and a wife for nearly five, I realize that life will never be the same. One significant reminder of this change is the unsolicited advice I receive from family about my parenting choices.
I appreciate their concern, but it drives me absolutely bonkers! Coming from a traditional Southern upbringing, my family’s values are quite typical: family gatherings, sweet tea, and a heavy reliance on metaphors. We resemble the Texans you see on television in many ways.
With this cultural background comes the belief that children should be seen and not heard. The concept of “respect for elders” is deeply embedded in our society, and many of my relatives are perplexed by my more liberal, free-spirited approach to parenting.
While I value respect for elders, I believe it should be earned rather than assumed. I have no intention of forcing my children to hug or kiss relatives they barely know; this, to me, undermines their bodily autonomy. My husband and I view children as individuals who will eventually make their own choices, so we strive to equip them with the tools to think critically and make informed decisions.
Parenting in a way that diverges from my family’s traditions often leaves me feeling isolated, adding stress to our family visits. For instance, when my son has a typical tantrum, our approaches differ significantly. I tend to be more laid-back, allowing him to learn from his actions, while my family insists on immediate correction. It’s tough to maintain my parenting style under the weight of comments like, “When you were his age, you had better training.”
These remarks, while well-intentioned, can sting, especially when they come from my “village.” They often make me question my parenting skills, pushing me to react in ways that clash with my usual approach. At home, I’m all about cuddles and affection, but around family, I find myself adopting a more authoritarian attitude, which feels uncomfortable and inauthentic.
Visiting my family can be challenging for all of us. For example, our dietary choices differ; we don’t eat pork, which excludes many familiar dishes. My kids miss out on breakfast bacon, a staple from my childhood. Even my decision to pursue my passions while working from home, instead of opting for traditional employment and daycare, strays from the norm.
Yet, I recognize that many of my parenting choices stem from the lessons my mother instilled in my brother and me. She encouraged our freedom and personal agency, teaching us that fitting in shouldn’t be a priority. I worry that my decision to embrace freedom in parenting may be misinterpreted as a rejection of my family’s values.
I wish I could convey to my loved ones that my different approach doesn’t imply that their methods are wrong. Rather, I’ve taken the wisdom they imparted and forged my own path. I appreciate the delicious foods from my upbringing but understand that what’s tasty isn’t always the healthiest. My children may enjoy jumping on couches, but I believe in finding a balance between fun and teaching them essential life skills. After all, if they can’t express themselves at home, where else will they feel free?
Ultimately, I don’t crave the rigid structure of our past. What I genuinely need is their support, acceptance, and unconditional love.
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Summary
This article reflects on the challenges of raising children in a manner that contrasts with traditional family values, emphasizing the importance of personal agency and the desire for acceptance from loved ones.
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