I see that look. It’s the one we give when we want to pretend something isn’t happening. It’s the expression saved for those uncomfortable, awkward, or painful moments that we don’t know how to address. It silently screams, “I thought I knew you!” Maybe it’s akin to how one might react upon seeing a ghost. It’s a look I never expected from those I had poured my heart into for years—my friends and family who were part of my “previous” life.
Divorce carries a heavy stigma, especially for the person who initiates it. It’s often harshly judged, particularly when no infidelity or abuse is involved. That’s the societal benchmark for what’s considered acceptable when it comes to ending a marriage. And even then, people may still side-eye you for not making it work, regardless of the circumstances.
For those fortunate enough not to have experienced divorce, consider it a blessing. It’s a soul-crushing ordeal, a whirlwind of emotions that takes over your life in ways you never anticipated. Speaking from my own experience, it involved an abyss of heartbreak, shattered trust, and deep sorrow.
When I entered my marriage, I didn’t envision it ending in divorce. Who would? Like most, I stepped in with optimism, faith in love, and a sincere hope that we would grow together in a healthy partnership. I held onto that dream for years.
I want to clarify that I’m not advocating for divorce. However, sometimes it becomes the only choice for one’s peace and emotional health. It can be a necessary step to prevent a lifetime of pain, both for oneself and possibly for children involved.
Divorce is rife with negative emotions. I saw it from a Christian viewpoint—scripture states that God hates divorce, and I believe He does, for good reason. He understands the immense pain it brings to both parties, along with the collateral damage that follows. Divorce is messy and painful for everyone involved, including the spouse who didn’t initiate it.
Even after removing yourself from a toxic relationship, starting over can be a daunting experience. You have to cut ties with the person you once were and confront the reality that your partner is not willing to engage in a healthy way. Everything changes. Often, we become complacent in our discomfort, justifying reasons to stay in unhealthy situations to please others, even if those people aren’t truly supportive.
I came across a thought-provoking quote recently: “Grab a plate and throw it on the ground. Did it break? Yes. Now say sorry to it. Did it go back to the way it was before? No. Do you understand?” That struck a chord with me.
Before you pass judgment or decide to turn your back on the initiator of a divorce, consider a few important facts: This was not your journey; it was mine. This was not your marriage, your parenting relationship, or your emotional wellbeing at stake. You didn’t experience the heartbreak, the struggle with trust, or the loneliness. You weren’t the one dealing with the demons of a partner who took you for granted. This was not your pain to carry.
I apologize if my situation caught you off guard. Often, we fail to recognize the depth of another person’s struggle because we’re too focused on our own. I’m sorry if my divorce created uncomfortable conversations for you or if it stirred up issues in your own life. Remember, you can only know your own pain threshold, not mine.
I regret if my actions distressed your son, brother, or friend. I, too, feel the weight of witnessing someone I invested years into throw it all away piece by piece. I didn’t want to become a twisted version of myself just to keep a failing relationship intact. I realized my mental and emotional health was equally crucial—I am a human being, not a receptacle for someone else’s toxicity.
I’m a giver who married a taker, an optimist paired with someone who had a fundamentally negative outlook on life. At 21, I hoped to inspire my partner to grow into someone capable of building a future together, only to find that he was unwilling or unable to change. I fought for our relationship, but it was clear he had long given up on himself before I left.
I began to see myself as unworthy of love, compassion, and respect. I built walls to shield myself from a reality I couldn’t face any longer. At times, I functioned as if my spouse didn’t exist, setting my expectations for him to zero. One day, I woke up, completely unrecognizable to myself. That moment changed everything.
There’s a saying: “Be careful what you tolerate; you teach people how to treat you.” I allowed someone to nearly destroy me. But you didn’t share that experience; you didn’t live my reality. I did.
So, when you see me at social events, during child exchanges, or just out in the world trying to rebuild my life, please show some compassion for what it took to reach this point. Remember, while this divorce is painful, it’s not your divorce—it’s not your chapter.
Recall all the memories we made together, the family gatherings, and the laughter shared. I’m not a ghost, a villain, or your enemy. I have loved you, invested in you, and have always rooted for you. I’m still me, simply separated from something that caused me pain for far too long. Your cold shoulder and judgment resonate deeply with me.
Congratulations, you’ve successfully strained yet another relationship that I cherished. It makes me question whether you ever valued our bond at all. The truth is, it hurts, and I’ve experienced enough pain for a lifetime. I don’t need it from you as well.
Please remember, even though I chose this divorce, I never asked for the treatment that led me here. So before you judge or cast that disappointed look my way, keep in mind that a decision can be painful yet still be the right choice. You can bet that if you ever face a chapter like mine, I won’t cast that look your way. I’ve lived it.
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Summary
The author reflects on the pain of divorce and the unexpected reactions from friends and family. They emphasize that the journey of divorce is deeply personal and laden with emotional turmoil. The piece calls for understanding and compassion from those who may judge without fully grasping the experience of the person undergoing such a life change.
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