Parenting
Single Moms With Co-Parents Are Still Single Moms
by Kiana Waters
Updated: September 28, 2020
Originally Published: April 14, 2019
Being a mother without support is undeniably challenging. But when you’re a single mom juggling everything on your own, it can feel overwhelming. The reality is that many single moms rarely get the chance to focus on themselves. Our lives revolve around keeping our families thriving, often shouldering the bulk of the responsibilities.
The struggles of single motherhood are real, which is why it’s essential for us to stand in solidarity with one another. It’s simply not fair to suggest that single moms who have some form of support—whether emotional, physical, or financial—are any less valid than those who face their challenges alone.
I’ve been a single mom since my child was just three months old. Fortunately, I’ve had a supportive network to lean on. Still, I’m responsible for about 98 percent of the daily parenting duties, and the financial load? That’s all on me. Even when I lived with my parents during those early years, I was the one doing it all for my child.
While my child’s father has always been a part of his life, for nearly four years, it was a long-distance relationship. When we eventually moved closer, I envisioned a co-parenting relationship that would be seamless. However, reality struck hard. By the time we settled down, his dad found that his lifestyle wasn’t really compatible with being an involved father. Instead of making adjustments, he slowly reduced the time he spent with our child.
I clearly remember a summer night last year when I reached out, pleading for him to step up and provide the support I desperately needed. He had been picking our child up a few times a week but never really spent quality time with him. Then, when summer rolled around, he vanished. It wasn’t just unfair to our little one; it was suffocating for me. Thankfully, we reached an agreement where he could take our child for a few hours weekly, which offered a much-needed reprieve.
However, don’t get it twisted—this time is hardly a break. I end up using it for errands, grocery shopping, and cleaning. Recently, a fellow single mom told me that because my child’s father is involved, I’m not a “real” single mom. As if there are levels to this experience! We single moms with some form of support are still doing all the heavy lifting, ensuring our kids have everything they need.
When my child was rushed to the ER with a fever of 105, guess where his dad was? On vacation in Asia. Upon his return, he tried to brush off the cold he caught, while I reminded him that I was the one managing our child’s illness and working under the same roof. Just because I have some support doesn’t mean I can just run off whenever I feel like it. Planning a few hours away for work or a date often involves complicated logistics and sacrifices on my part.
Yes, I might be one of the “lucky” single moms with a co-parent, but when it comes to doctor appointments or buying new clothes, I’m the one who takes time off work and pays for everything. I’ve done all the research for preschool and kindergarten and I’m the one orchestrating summer plans. His dad rarely inquires about these things, let alone shows interest.
It’s essential to recognize that many single moms lack the luxury of alone time. They don’t have the option of leaving their kids at home while they run errands. Those moms work extremely hard, and it’s unjust that they often don’t get even a few moments to themselves. Each of us deserves so much more than what we’re often given.
But here’s the kicker: support often comes at a cost. Friends and family may offer help, but it can be inconsistent. For every little thing you manage to do for yourself, there are countless things that remain undone. The grass might look greener on our side, but trust me, it’s not as lush as it seems.
Single moms are true heroes, every single day. Even when we feel like we’re struggling, it’s hard to see just how incredible we truly are. Whether it’s being buried under laundry or managing a last-minute school project, we all share these trenches.
To suggest that single moms who receive child support or have custody arrangements aren’t “real” single moms is simply unfair. Having a co-parent doesn’t mean we get a break from our responsibilities. A “real” single mom is any mother raising her child without a partner. A partner and a co-parent are entirely different concepts. This is why single moms often feel frustrated when married moms try to claim the single mom title—married women have partners, even if they’re not always present.
Single moms, whether we have support or not, face enough societal judgment without needing to argue over who qualifies as a “true” single mom. Instead, we should be uplifting one another. We need that camaraderie now more than ever.
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