I usually prefer to stay out of other people’s parenting styles, but if your daughter exhibits mean girl behavior around me, I will definitely speak up.
The other night, I was driving my 8-year-old daughter, Mia, and her three friends to soccer practice. I enjoy these drives because I gain so much insight into their lives. I discover what books they’re reading, their favorite (and least favorite) teachers, and what videos they’re watching on YouTube. In the backseat, the girls chatter away, often forgetting that I’m right there, which creates a comfortable atmosphere for them to let their guard down.
On this particular evening, one of Mia’s friends, Lily, started making nasty remarks about a girl named Sarah, whom Mia has known since pre-K. Lily was ranting about how she “heard” that Sarah had been misbehaving in class and that people were saying she “deserved” to be held back.
I’ve heard Lily engage in this kind of mean-spirited talk before; she often makes harsh judgments about others (“What? I can’t stand that song. You like it? UGH”). The other girls usually stand up to her well enough, so I haven’t felt the need to intervene. Initially, I thought maybe Lily was just having a bad day when I first overheard her gossiping.
However, this time was different. I personally know Sarah and her family. I know the struggles they faced regarding her education, and I understand how difficult it was for them to make the decision to hold her back a grade. But even without this background, I had heard enough from Lily to recognize that her behavior was a pattern.
Mia was doing her best to defend Sarah, insisting that she’s a really nice person and that she never gets in trouble. But Lily continued her tirade, treating being held back like a punishment for wrongdoing.
At that moment, I turned down the music and addressed Lily through the rearview mirror. “You know, saying hurtful things about someone who isn’t here to defend themselves isn’t kind.”
“Oh, I’m just sharing what others have said,” Lily replied.
“Repeating mean things is called gossip,” I explained. “You’re spreading information about Sarah without knowing if it’s even true, and doing it when she can’t defend herself. If I were in her shoes and learned that someone said I deserved to be held back, it would really hurt me. Would you still say these unkind things if she were right here with us?”
“No, I guess not,” Lily admitted.
“Exactly. That’s why it’s crucial to refrain from saying unkind things when the person isn’t present. If we’re going to discuss others, it should only be to say something nice,” I concluded.
Lily quickly changed the subject, attempting to badmouth another boy. I paused to see if she would recognize her own mistake. The other three girls in the car fell silent, and the awkwardness seemed to hit home for Lily, prompting her to reign it in. I then shifted the conversation to the upcoming soccer game.
I haven’t talked to Lily’s parents about this incident, and I’m not sure I will unless it comes up again. I don’t view this as a parenting issue, as her siblings are incredibly polite and kind. I know her parents value generosity and kindness and would likely appreciate me addressing their child’s behavior. They embody the “it takes a village” mindset and would likely correct one of my kids too if necessary.
But honestly, even if I thought Lily’s parents wouldn’t approve of me stepping in, I would still do it. I approached the situation kindly, and there were two other girls in the car who didn’t deserve to listen to Lily’s toxic comments. Staying silent would have made me complicit and sent the message that I condone that behavior. The reality is that meanness can have serious consequences, including tragic results. I refuse to stand by while it happens in my presence. So, if your child acts out and I witness it, you can bet I’ll say something.
After soccer practice, I told Mia how proud I was of her—not only for refusing to participate in the gossip but also for standing up for Sarah. I expect her to continue doing this. The world has enough negativity, and those of us who strive to spread kindness must also actively combat hatefulness. Being an upstander means correcting the behavior of others’ kids when needed. And I welcome others to hold my child accountable as well.
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In summary, calling out mean girl behavior is essential. It not only protects those being talked about but also teaches our children the importance of kindness and standing up against negativity.
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