The only time I find myself sharing a bedroom with my partner is during vacations or when our guests occupy the spare room. This has been our routine for years. I recently discovered there’s a term for our arrangement: we are “sleep divorced.” While it may sound harsh, it’s a delightful and beneficial setup for me—though my partner, Jake, would much rather we both sleep in the same bed.
Ever since our first child was born, I’ve become an unusually light sleeper, and Jake’s snoring? It’s loud enough to rattle windows. Trying to sleep together is a recipe for disaster.
In the past, Jake would encourage me to stay in the room, suggesting I just wear earplugs. I gave that a go, but they muffled about 2% of his snoring—do those things even work? I also tried headphones with white noise, which helped with his snoring but blocked out other important sounds, making me anxious. What if one of the kids woke up? What if there was a fire and I couldn’t hear the alarm?
Jake has experimented with various devices—nose strips, mouthguards—desperate to convince me that sleeping apart would ruin our relationship. He struggled to understand that all I wanted was a peaceful night’s sleep. Our intimacy didn’t suffer, though; we were literally unconscious when we slept. What did it matter if we occupied separate rooms?
Eventually, I suggested he consult a doctor about possible sleep apnea or allergies that might be causing his snoring. After all, we had explored countless solutions online. Despite his willingness to try over-the-counter options, Jake hesitated to visit a doctor—he was wary of wearing one of those “mask thingies” at night. Until he got past that discomfort, I was left with his thunderous snoring.
Experts assert that couples can maintain a healthy relationship even while “sleep divorced.” After all, who can be romantic or even engage in casual conversation without adequate sleep? I certainly can’t.
When I’m sleep-deprived, every aspect of my life—and particularly my relationship with Jake—takes a hit. I’m irritable and not the best version of myself. The bottom line? I need sleep to function, and sharing a bed with Jake means I get none.
I’m not alone in this need. Health professionals emphasize that sufficient sleep is crucial for both our physical and emotional wellbeing. Lack of sleep can hinder decision-making, slow reaction times, and lead to serious health issues, including heart disease and diabetes.
So, if the choice is between sharing a bed and enduring sleepless nights versus sleeping apart and gaining restful slumber, the decision is clear: health takes precedence.
About a year ago, my daughter filmed Jake snoring because she found it amusing. When she shared it with him, his reaction was priceless. He finally grasped the reality of the noise he made: “Wow, no wonder you won’t sleep next to me!”
Now, we embrace our sleep separation. The spare room is always prepped for me, eliminating the nightly negotiation where he asks me to stay, I relent, and then I lie awake for hours imagining all the ways I could silence his snores.
Thanks to that video, Jake is now willing to see an ENT specialist to check for sleep apnea. Perhaps a CPAP machine awaits him, and we might return to sleeping together after all. Rumor has it those machines create a soothing white noise.
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In summary, “sleep divorce” can be a healthy decision for couples struggling with sleep issues. By prioritizing rest, partners can maintain a vibrant relationship, even while sleeping in separate rooms.
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