As a parent, I often pride myself on being the problem-solver. When my children encounter obstacles, I quickly offer solutions that they typically embrace, executing my suggestions with ease. I mean, who wouldn’t want to listen to a wise and fabulous mom like me? Record scratch. Then, my firstborn hit 12, and everything shifted.
In the year following my son’s twelfth birthday, I slowly noticed that my once-revered advice had been cast aside, much like his forgotten action figures. Clears cobwebs off shoulders. Sure, he still values my opinion—sometimes. He might ask for guidance, but if I offer unsolicited advice, I often get a response like, “I already know, Mom,” or “I just learned about this in school.” And to his credit, he usually has a point.
This behavior is a typical part of tween development. My son is striving for independence, and in those moments of frustration, the last thing he wants is for me to swoop in and save the day. However, there are times when he genuinely needs assistance but either doesn’t recognize it or feels overwhelmed. This often happens with complex homework assignments that leave him feeling frustrated, especially now that his advanced math is beyond my comprehension.
On those tough days, he sometimes gets so upset that he pulls at his hair. He’s frustrated not only with the problem at hand but also with the realization that he’s on his own—Mom can’t help anymore. Attempts to soothe him with phrases like “Just take a deep breath; you can do this” or “Have you reached out to your friends for help?” only seem to intensify his anger. “No, I can’t do this!” he snaps, pounding his fist on the countertop.
There have been moments when his attitude has led me to respond harshly, telling him to tone it down or go to his room if he continues acting out. While I may be justified in wanting to curb the negativity, commanding him to change his behavior during such emotional turmoil is often ineffective. He’s navigating a whirlwind of feelings with a brain that’s still developing, making it tough for him to manage those big emotions. It’s not entirely his fault, but he still has lessons to learn. The catch is, he can’t learn when he’s consumed by frustration.
Fortunately, I’ve discovered a simple yet powerful approach: asking, “How can I help?” This phrase, suggested by a friend who’s a former clinical therapist, has transformed our interactions during challenging moments.
The beauty of “How can I help?” lies in its ability to empower my son. It gives him the choice to accept assistance or not—sometimes he simply needs space to work through his issues alone. When he does want help, this question allows him to define what that support looks like. He might request a suggestion, a moment of silence, or even a snack.
When I ask him, “How can I help?” he can also opt to decline help altogether. However, the mere act of posing the question reassures him that I’m nearby if he needs me—a comforting thought for both of us. This approach fosters his independence while reinforcing that he’s not alone in facing challenges.
Recently, when my son felt overwhelmed by his algebra homework, I initially slipped back into offering solutions, which only heightened his frustration. Remembering my new mantra, I asked, “How can I help?” This time, he wanted a hug. Yes, just a simple hug. As I wrapped my arms around him, I felt him relax. After a few minutes, I returned with another hug and reminded him to breathe deeply. He even accepted a snack after that. Moments later, I offered yet another hug, and this time, he was much calmer and focused enough to dive back into his work.
Next time I ask, he might want my input or to brainstorm ideas with me, or he may choose to tackle his issue independently. It’s interesting how, in the world of tweens, allowing them to assert their independence can actually bring us closer together. My son seeks independence, yet he still needs me—sometimes. It’s all part of his journey toward figuring out when he truly needs my support, and my role is to give him the freedom to make that choice.
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Summary
The phrase “How can I help?” can be transformative when dealing with a struggling tween, allowing them to assert their independence while still knowing support is available. This approach fosters a healthier parent-child dynamic, helping tweens learn to navigate their challenges with a little guidance and space.
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