Everything about our four-year-old, Lily, is a test of patience. My partner and I often joke that if she were our first child, she would definitely have been our last. Lily is an exuberant, inquisitive little girl with a charming smile and a strong sense of self. While I adore her to bits and she provides endless material for my writing, let’s be honest—she can be a bit of a handful.
Now, I can hear you saying, aren’t “four-year-olds” and “handfuls” practically the same thing? Well, yes, but Lily elevates that whole four-year-old chaos to an entirely new level. Just a few weeks ago, she was sent to the school office for refusing to participate in a classroom activity. When her teacher, Ms. Parker, asked her to focus, Lily called her and some classmates “losers.” Yes, this is preschool, not even kindergarten, and somehow, she’s the youngest of our three kids to make a visit to the office. I have no idea where she picked up the term “loser” since it’s not part of our home vocabulary, but here we are.
This incident was just one in a growing list of behavioral issues the school has flagged regarding Lily. I remember picking her up one evening when she cheerfully proclaimed, “I was on one today!” Curious, I asked if that was a good thing. She nodded vigorously, while the teaching assistant behind her silently mouthed “No.”
When people meet Lily, they often use gentle terms like “spirited” or “high-energy,” but the truth is she does whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Despite our best efforts to discipline her, including timeouts, loss of privileges, and early bedtimes, nothing seems to make an impact.
One night, I put her to bed early for ignoring her mother’s instructions. She kept sneaking out, so I ended up sitting outside her door. When she asked for yet another glass of water and I refused, she shot back, “Well, I want it, and you’re not listening to me. That makes you a bad listener, and you need to go to bed.”
I could picture her making that little head tilt while waving her finger as she spoke. The frustrating part? I want Lily to grow up to be assertive and confident—able to challenge authority and fight for what she deserves. Yet here I am, trying to find a balance between nurturing her independence and curbing her tendency to be a brat.
It’s overwhelming at times, especially knowing she’s just four, and we have many years of parenting ahead of us. One of the most irritating aspects of raising a strong-willed child is that others often look at my partner, Jake, and me as if we’re failing somehow. But honestly? I don’t think we are. We’re doing our best, but Lily is simply who she is.
Fortunately, not everyone is judgmental. We had a meeting with Lily’s preschool teacher recently, and I admit we were a bit anxious. We sat at a tiny table opposite Ms. Parker, a warm woman in her fifties with curly hair. We discussed Lily’s academic progress, which was positive, but then I took a deep breath and asked, “How is her behavior?”
Ms. Parker paused, and Jake attempted to fill the silence by acknowledging that we knew Lily could be a handful. Ms. Parker raised her hands, smiled, and said, “Yes, she can be a lot sometimes.” She shared a few amusing stories about redirecting Lily’s energy and then said something that shifted my perspective entirely: “I want that little girl to be who she is, because she’s pretty wonderful. I have no doubt she’s going to do great things one day. Don’t ever squash her spirit.”
In that moment, Jake and I exchanged smiles. I felt a wave of optimism wash over me about Lily’s future.
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Summary
Disciplining a spirited four-year-old can be a challenge, as I navigate the fine line between encouraging her independence and curbing her unruly behaviors. Despite the frustrations and misunderstandings from others, I remind myself that Lily is a unique individual, full of potential. With the right support and perspective, I’m hopeful for her future.
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