In the realm of parenting, many believe in treating all children equally, but I’ve come to realize that this approach doesn’t truly address the unique needs of each child. My six-year-old son has Autism, while my two identical twins are neurotypical. I love each of them deeply and equally, yet they each possess distinct strengths and challenges. Therefore, instead of aiming for equality, I strive for fairness by catering to their individual needs.
Now, don’t get me wrong—I’m not suggesting I hand out different numbers of M&Ms, as that would undoubtedly lead to chaos! However, the investment of my time, resources, and energy isn’t uniform. For instance, one of my twins might require extra attention if he’s under the weather, while the other may need my support on a school project. Each day presents new challenges, and I’ve learned to adapt my approach accordingly.
Why did I shift my perspective? Focusing solely on equal distribution often overlooks the specific differences among my children. My time and energy are finite resources; if I divided my attention equally, one child might receive too much, leaving another wanting. By concentrating on what each child needs to thrive, I can be more intentional with my time and experience less stress.
Initially, I worried about whether my husband and I were giving our kids equal attention. However, I’ve come to understand that they may require one parent more than the other at different stages of their lives. My husband excels with infants, while I’m more attuned to our toddlers. Sometimes, one child might seek my husband’s comfort, while the twins lean on me—this dynamic is always changing.
My insight in this area was heavily influenced by my mother-in-law, who has three very different children herself. Her eldest, my husband, is now a busy lawyer and father who once needed more intensive support during his homeschooling years. The middle child also became a lawyer but was more independent and sociable in his youth. The youngest daughter, still navigating her educational journey, occasionally requires that one-on-one time and some assistance with her wardrobe. Even now, she needs her mother’s guidance, and my mother-in-law continues to distribute her resources thoughtfully, albeit not equally.
By adopting this flexible mindset from my mother-in-law, I’ve transitioned to focusing on fairness rather than equality when it comes to my kids. This shift has alleviated my anxiety about balancing my time and has fostered a more harmonious family atmosphere.
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In summary, I’ve learned that parenting isn’t about treating all children the same, but about meeting their unique needs with fairness and compassion. By focusing on what each child requires, I’ve found a more manageable and fulfilling approach to family life.
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