When my eldest son turned 18 months, he suddenly became averse to anything I placed on his plate. Mealtime transformed into a battle zone, with him incessantly pointing toward the cupboard filled with crackers and bread. Fruits and vegetables? No chance. His diet consisted solely of meat, cheese, and bread. I often felt like I was feeding a miniature Viking—just missing the tankard of ale and the threat of scurvy. In a fit of desperation, I resorted to concealing vegetables in scrambled eggs and smoothies, chasing him around with spoonfuls of peas. Every dinner felt like a rodeo, trying to corral a calf that gleefully shook its head and laughed as I missed yet another attempt.
I vented about our mealtime chaos to a friend, whose daughter was 6 years old. She shared, “Last night, Ava insisted on noodles for dinner, so I made them, and she wouldn’t touch them. Then it was edamame, which also met the same fate. Finally, she asked for a bagel, and still, not a single bite. Can you believe that?” I could already envision the next decade unfolding in front of me. Three meals wasted? Even my tricks and bribes couldn’t justify that absurdity. I was already exhausted from the constant negotiating with my then 2-year-old, urging him to take just one more bite in exchange for dessert. I wanted no part of that struggle as he grew older.
Then, I discovered Ellyn Satter’s revolutionary book, Child of Mine: Feeding with Care and Good Sense, published in 2000. This read was a game-changer. Satter, a registered dietitian and family therapist, advocates for a “division of responsibility” when it comes to meals: the parent decides when, what, and where to eat, while the child chooses whether and how much to consume. There’s always something on the table that’s familiar to the child—like rice, fruit, or bread—paired with new foods. There’s no pressure to “just try a bite,” nor is there a set number of bites required. Dessert isn’t contingent on how much the child eats. Satter emphasizes the importance of family dinners, where adults enjoy a variety of healthy foods alongside their children.
This approach worked wonders. The tension vanished from our mealtimes as if deflating a balloon. I serve a meal, and my son can choose what to eat without my commentary. He’s free to have seconds if there’s enough. I no longer offer alternative options, and after two years, he knows better than to ask.
Now nearly 5, my son still leans more towards meat and bread than fruits and vegetables. However, since we stopped pressuring him, he has voluntarily tried more green foods than I anticipated. This shift also encourages me to present vegetables in more appealing ways, boosting my own intake. He enjoys items I never thought he would, like lentil stew and brown rice, zucchini and basil soup, and roasted broccoli. Yet, he shuns foods I thought were universally loved, like lasagna. At times, dinner consists of “kid food”—chicken nuggets or pizza, his favorites. Other evenings, I might whip up Pad Thai, which I adore, as Satter notes that everyone, parents included, should occasionally indulge in their favorite meals.
Dessert is separate from his dinner intake. We seldom have dessert, typically opting for treats in the afternoon. If we do indulge, I follow Satter’s advice and let him enjoy it alongside his dinner, an approach that surprisingly works well. He usually eats the dessert first, followed by a portion of his meal.
What are the six magic words that changed everything? “You don’t have to eat it.” This new system doesn’t mean he never expresses distaste or says “yuck.” Just the other day, he looked at his plate and complained, “Hey, I wanted a good dinner!” After an hour of cooking, I was tempted to dramatically sweep everything off the table in frustration.
But whenever he expresses dislike, I calmly respond, “You don’t have to eat it,” and dig into my own plate. The most significant revelation was that it gave me the freedom to stop pressuring him about food—essentially allowing me to stop monitoring his choices. Since my meals are reasonably healthy and varied, I can savor my food while letting him decide what he wants to eat or skip without the drama. I no longer maintain a mental list of “acceptable foods” for him.
This approach has also put an end to my short-order cook mentality. I prepare what I want to eat, and if my son opts out of trying a dish like squash and sausage casserole, that’s his choice. There’s garlic bread, salad carrots, and probably a few apple slices on his plate. He might take a bite after the 20th serving, but in the meantime, I enjoy the casserole while my younger son picks out the sausage and relishes the squash, preventing any waste. Our new system eliminates the power struggles associated with getting kids to eat. It allows children to recognize their hunger cues; my son often doesn’t eat much at dinner, regardless of what I serve, indicating he’s simply not hungry in the evenings. Therefore, I make earlier meals as nutritious as possible and don’t stress about dinner.
Of course, it’s not flawless. Many meals I prepare are somewhat mundane and may not entice everyone. I do wish we were all a bit more adventurous with trying new foods. Family dinners don’t happen every night; sometimes it’s just one parent, or I’m simply not hungry at the kids’ dinner time. However, the overall system has proven effective. It prevents us from using food as a reward or punishment, which could lead to a lifetime of unhealthy “good food/bad food” mentalities. He doesn’t have to choke down a portion of bok choy to earn a scoop of ice cream, and we’re not forcing him to ignore his body’s signals to eat something distasteful.
“You don’t have to eat it,” spoken calmly, has transformed my life. I apply this with our younger son, who is now a toddler, with similar success. Sometimes he also skips dinner entirely, and though I’m tempted to sneak in a few spoonfuls while he watches a TV show, I hold back. After all, he doesn’t have to eat it… those six words can end picky eating.
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Summary:
In this article, Emma Johnson shares her transformative journey in overcoming her son’s picky eating habits. By adopting Ellyn Satter’s “division of responsibility” approach, mealtime tension diminished, allowing her son to choose what to eat without pressure. This method not only encourages healthier eating habits but also fosters an enjoyable dining experience for the whole family.
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