Trigger Warning: Suicide
“Mom, can we go build a snowman?”
This is a common request from a child after a fresh snowfall, especially in a place like Apex, North Carolina, where snow is a rare delight. However, what made this moment extraordinary was the backdrop of heartbreak: I had just told my four-year-old daughter, Mia, that her uncle, my beloved brother, had passed away.
My brother, Jake, had been missing for several days in Portland, Oregon, following Christmas in 2016. Our family grew increasingly anxious as we couldn’t reach him for six days. The news we ultimately received was devastating: Jake had taken his own life.
After researching how to discuss suicide with a child, my partner and I explained gently to Mia that her uncle’s brain was sick, doing our utmost to answer her questions in a way she could understand, all while tears streamed down our faces.
That day, my world shattered, but Mia’s remained unchanged. So, we built that snowman.
“To be a good mother while my heart was breaking was one of the hardest roles I’ve ever had to play.” — Word Porn
It’s astonishing how resilient children can be in the face of adversity. One moment, they can be engulfed in sadness and confusion, and the next, they’re eager to create a snowman. Equally remarkable is the tenacity of mothers who strive to nurture their children through tough times. It becomes a delicate interplay of emotions—a dance of highs and lows for both mother and child. Despite our own struggles—financial worries, marital issues, grief, or simply the challenges life throws at us—we mothers persevere to meet our children’s needs and shower them with love, even in our darkest hours.
So, how can we as mothers summon the strength to manage our emotions alongside our children’s during tough times? I don’t have all the answers, but here’s what I’ve learned:
One Day at a Time
It’s perfectly acceptable to experience good days, bad days, and everything in between as a mother, especially during challenging phases of life. Just as it is for our children. We must remember that it’s okay to remove our superhero capes and accept our humanity—perfection is unrealistic. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and sometimes, things take time. Release the anxiety and remind yourself that you’re doing your best each day, holding onto hope that tomorrow brings a fresh start.
Balancing Your Child’s Resilience with Self-Care
While it’s remarkable how resilient children can be, it can also be exhausting for mothers who face hardships head-on. After telling Mia about her uncle’s death, the last thing I wanted to do was build a snowman. However, I knew it was important for her—and perhaps we can learn a bit about resilience from them. But during tough times, prioritizing self-care is crucial so we can keep up with our children’s fluctuating emotions. Remember, you are not alone in this journey.
Children Learn Through Observation
During a counseling session, I expressed my fears about not being a good mother due to my frequent tears and sadness. My counselor reassured me that my daughters were learning valuable lessons they couldn’t be explicitly taught—empathy and compassion. They were witnessing someone in pain and feeling the urge to help. They were grasping that life doesn’t always unfold as expected and that it’s okay to express emotions authentically. They were learning that it’s normal to experience both joy and sorrow, which signifies growth.
A Cup of Tea Can Solve Everything
While it might not be literally true, figuratively, this sentiment holds weight—especially for children, and even for us mothers. Often, it’s the small moments that mean the most. When faced with overwhelming situations, it’s easy to get lost in the chaos and forget what truly matters. I’ve found that when I set aside my to-do lists, my worries, and even my phone, and spend just five minutes engaging with my child, the heaviness tends to lift, if only momentarily. Being a mom is about showing up for the child in front of you.
The intricate dance between mother and child is perhaps the most beautiful choreography of all. The love required to communicate, listen, guide, heal, and support each other is profound. Some days will shine brighter than others, but life remains a dance, and it’s our role to nurture the best dance partners we can be.
This article was originally published on May 6, 2019.
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In summary, navigating motherhood while grappling with profound grief is a complex journey. Embracing our emotions, prioritizing self-care, and allowing our children to learn through observation can help us foster resilience and create meaningful connections.
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