If I could offer advice to a woman contemplating pregnancy through in vitro fertilization using a donor egg, I would suggest conducting some research but not to the point of feeling overwhelmed. Read a few blogs, but don’t drown yourself in a sea of conflicting opinions. Focus on one topic, find two contrasting viewpoints, and then pause your research to let your thoughts settle.
One of my initial worries about having a baby with another woman’s DNA was whether I would truly bond with that child. I stumbled upon the words of actress Julia Hart, who said, “When a woman gets older, they use donor eggs, which doesn’t make the baby any less beautiful or perfect.” Although she didn’t confirm using a donor herself, her sentiment provided me comfort. I also encountered a blog from a woman who stated, paraphrasing, “Who says my genetics are superior? Maybe I’m doing my kids a favor by borrowing genes.”
However, I also read about a mother who struggled to connect with her child conceived from a donor egg, mentioning that she often saw the donor’s image in her baby’s face. Even now, years later, I realize how my mind processed this information. When I received photos of the donor we ultimately selected, I glanced at them, acknowledged them, and then tucked them away, never to revisit.
Now, when I look into the eyes of my three wonderful children conceived with the help of that donor, I don’t see the donor’s traits. I see my husband and my children. I even recognize bits of myself in them.
After all, our DNA intertwined during pregnancy. In mammals, a process called fetal-maternal microchimerism occurs, where mothers and their babies exchange cells. Research has shown that a significant number of women in their seventies had traces of male DNA in their brains, likely from their sons during pregnancy. Maternal cells have also been found in babies.
Every mother’s experience with donor eggs is unique. I had the advantage of having a biological child to compare to my experiences with those conceived from donor eggs. Do I feel a difference between my eldest son and his younger siblings? Absolutely.
The most noticeable contrast is the genetic reflection my eldest son offers, allowing me to see aspects of myself in him. While he may not resemble me much, many of his behaviors and attitudes resonate deeply. I instinctively understand how to navigate some of his challenging moods because I’ve experienced them myself. I can encourage certain interests because they mirror my own.
With my two daughters and youngest son, the experience is different. Lacking a genetic mirror, I cherish the remarkable individuals they are, each surpassing me in various ways. My three-year-old daughter is incredibly bright and talented with words, while her younger brother is a confident powerhouse, unflinching in the face of anyone. Their sister, a delightful firecracker, is both agile and perceptive.
With my eldest son, I feel a sense of possessiveness. For my other three children, I have a deep respect and immense gratitude. I feel incredibly privileged to be their mother, guiding them as they grow and participating in their extraordinary lives.
I maintain a close connection with my youngest children, engaging in the natural ways people bond. My eldest daughter has a spirited need for independence—not in a negative manner, but as a source of her energy and vibrancy. I understand that. My youngest daughter craves affection, and I relate to that too. Meanwhile, my youngest son loves to demolish everything in sight for fun, constantly seeking affirmation from us. Yup, I get that.
When we first had two children—one biological and one not—I occasionally worried about my bond with my younger daughter. I would refer to the donor as her “biological mother,” but felt uneasy about the term. Remembering that my daughter grew in my womb and that she wouldn’t exist without me, I shifted to calling the donor simply “the egg donor.” Words have power.
Now that my daughter is older and I have two more children from our first IVF attempt, I no longer need reassurance. I am their mother, and only my husband and I can provide the love, understanding, and guidance they need. My love for all my children—genetically related or not—is equally deep and unwavering.
While I never see our donor’s likeness in my children, I believe her character manifests in their personalities. The donor coordinators at our fertility clinic described her as service-oriented, vivacious, witty, and energetic. I see her kindness, humor, and intellect reflected in my kids as they grow. I feel fortunate to have her genes in our family.
Every one of my pregnancies, although challenging in my forties, was filled with excitement. Each delivery was the highlight of my life. Holding all my babies close after they were born was more sacred than any ritual I’ve experienced. Now, with four children under five, life is hectic, but it’s also more profound and fulfilling than I ever imagined.
In my single days, I never realized that parenting provides as much, if not more, than it takes. Each of my four children, regardless of genetic ties, is my teacher, and their love for me is unconditional. I can’t simply hide my frustrations anymore; they affect my relationships. My laughter has multiplied, and my overall happiness is a sweet contentment. To me, my children are among the most beautiful creations on this planet.
I firmly believe that if you can’t have children using your own eggs, you should consider adoption or IVF with donated eggs. The benefits far outweigh any perceived costs. When you snuggle your baby to sleep each night, you’ll be grateful for the immeasurable riches in your life.
So, to any woman contemplating egg donation, do your research but don’t let negative perceptions cloud your optimistic view of what’s possible. With the knowledge you gather, embrace modern science, and move forward with confidence. Life’s most precious experiences await you.
Summary:
In this heartfelt reflection, Lila Thompson shares her journey of motherhood through donor eggs. Initially apprehensive about bonding with her children, she discovered profound connections that transcended genetic ties. Each of her four children, whether biologically related or not, has enriched her life in unexpected ways. She emphasizes the importance of understanding and embracing the possibilities of modern science, encouraging others to pursue their dreams of parenthood with confidence.
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