As I sit at the park with a new acquaintance, enjoying the sunshine and watching our kids navigate the playground, my middle child approaches, demanding the snacks I’ve brought. With a calm yet firm tone, I meet her gaze and say, “Try asking again, but with respect.”
I notice her shoulders slump slightly as she processes my response. A moment later, she looks at me with a smile and asks, “May I please have the snacks?” I beam back, give her a high five, and say, “Absolutely!” Off she goes, juice pouches in one arm and a family-sized bag of veggie chips in the other. My friend, visibly surprised, exclaims, “Wow, what just happened?”
Confused, I ask for clarification, concerned she might disapprove of my snack selection. She explains that she’s astonished by the ease of our interaction. Her kids, she tells me, would typically throw a tantrum if they didn’t get what they wanted immediately, arguing about flavors or options.
Her reaction is common. Whenever I mention our parenting approach, called Empowered to Connect (ETC), I often see looks of skepticism or disbelief. It might sound outlandish, but children can indeed respond respectfully and have their needs met without unnecessary drama. Through patience and commitment, my husband and I have taught our kids effective communication, and it’s been a game-changer.
I can relate to her skepticism; I was doubtful at first too. Our family, with four kids—three born within four years—often found itself in chaotic situations, especially with one child who has sensory processing disorder that leads to significant meltdowns. My husband and I have different parenting styles: he tends to be lenient, while I lean towards strictness. This inconsistency left our kids confused about rules and expectations.
We sought balance and consistency to create a more peaceful home. While there are countless parenting books out there, none resonated with us quite like ETC. This method is rooted in Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI), designed to assist parents in raising children from “hard places,” including those who have faced adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), maltreatment, and toxic stress. As all my children were adopted, I realized that they had experienced trauma due to their separation from their birth parents.
However, ETC isn’t exclusively for adopted children. With growing awareness around ACEs—such as abuse, neglect, and exposure to violence—it’s clear that many children can benefit from this approach. Alarmingly, nearly half of children have experienced at least one ACE, which can lead to a spectrum of long-term issues, from depression to reduced educational opportunities.
ETC is a response to raising children affected by ACEs. It acknowledges that trauma alters brain function, yet it teaches kids that they are valued, safe, and capable of expressing their needs. The core principle of ETC is that parents must first connect with their children before correcting their behavior.
In our home, “correction” doesn’t involve traditional discipline methods like time-outs. Instead, we focus on connection. If a child is upset, rather than isolating them, we take them to a quiet space and engage in conversation. If they’re too dysregulated to talk, we help them calm down—what we call a “time-in.” Once they are settled, we kneel down to their level, maintain a calm demeanor, and gently guide the discussion on what happened and how to address it.
It’s essential to recognize that ETC does not allow children to act freely without consequences; rather, it provides them with opportunities to learn and grow. Apologies and natural consequences are part of the process, fostering connection along the way.
If you’re wondering whether ETC is labor-intensive, the answer is yes. It requires commitment, but the rewards are substantial. The alternative—throwing out random consequences—can lead to frustration and confusion for both parent and child.
ETC offers consistent rules and expectations, allowing children to feel valued and understood. After practicing this method for a few years, I find it to be liberating. While it’s not always perfect, I’m grateful for the healing and connection it has fostered in our family.
For those interested in learning more about empowering experiences, check out this resource on pregnancy and home insemination: UCSF Center for Reproductive Health. If you’re looking for practical tools, consider exploring Cryobaby’s home intracervical insemination syringe kit.
Summary
The Empowered to Connect parenting method has transformed family dynamics by fostering respectful communication and emotional connection. Through patience and structured interaction, it provides a nurturing environment that allows children to express their needs while learning important life lessons.
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