Parenting can be a challenge, especially when it comes to managing language. In our household, we’ve found that our swear jar has become more of a joke than a deterrent. It currently holds just two coins. One was dropped in after my 7-year-old, Oliver, wandered into the Academy of Natural Sciences gift shop and exclaimed in a surprisingly deep voice, “What the heck is that?” When he noticed my reaction, he comforted me with, “Don’t cry, mama.” The second coin found its way in just last week when his older brother, Leo, lost a chess piece. “You jerk!” he shouted. At least he got the context right. So, there we are with a grand total of 20 cents in our swear jar.
We don’t mind if they pick up a few “bad” words here and there, especially since they belt out tunes like David Bowie’s “Queen Bitch” or rap along to Hamilton, which includes some colorful language. While the swear jar is meant to curb their cursing, it seems to have the opposite effect—every time they let a word slip, we just remind them to toss a coin in the jar and then retreat to giggle in another room.
Honestly, I’m over the swear jar. It’s ineffective and redundant. I’m far less concerned about my kids saying “foul” words than I am about their behavior toward each other. What truly matters to me is kindness. I get upset when I see them teasing one another or ignoring each other’s feelings. I want to foster empathy and compassion in my kids, not a fear of certain words.
Introducing the Meanness Jar
That’s why we’re introducing the Meanness Jar. This new jar is going to fill up much more quickly than the swear jar. Every time I catch one of them being unkind—whether it’s fighting, refusing to help, rolling their eyes, or hurling insults—a coin will go in. Even tattling earns a fine because it’s a selfish act aimed at getting someone in trouble for personal gain. If someone touches another in a way that’s unwanted after being asked not to, that’s a triple violation! For example, Oliver calling Leo a “jerk” would be a fineable offense—not for the word itself, but because it’s just plain mean.
We’ll also include any disrespectful behavior toward their father and me, like backtalk intended to hurt. While kids will be kids, hurtful remarks like “I hate you” will definitely be counted.
The Meanness Jar is bound to fill up quickly, but that’s not because my kids are particularly awful to each other. In reality, they’re quite sweet. Leo is always the first to help Oliver when he gets hurt, and Oliver once shared a significant part of his allowance with their younger brother, Noah, so he could get a toy. Still, they occasionally act like typical siblings—making annoying noises, stealing toys, and jumping on each other.
Once the jar fills up, we’ll have a nice little sum. I plan to donate part of it to a charity of their choosing, perhaps a local kitten rescue, which will teach them about giving back. The rest will go toward a family outing, whether it’s for gas or camping fees. I want them to see what their kindness or meanness can accumulate to—these are real dollars and cents, not just loose change.
Hopefully, this will encourage them to be kinder to one another, and provide a tangible consequence for unkind actions.
In the end, this approach feels far better than the outdated swear jar. For more insights on parenting and the journey of family life, check out this resource for helpful tips.
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Summary
The article discusses the author’s shift from a traditional swear jar to a Meanness Jar to promote kindness among siblings. It highlights the importance of encouraging empathy and compassion over worrying about inappropriate language. The new system provides tangible consequences for unkind behavior and emphasizes charitable giving.
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