As I perched on the crinkly tissue paper of the examination table at the university health center, I couldn’t help but feel self-conscious about the noise it made. Every rustle seemed to pierce the tranquil atmosphere, and I felt like an intruder in that serene space. This was my first solo doctor’s appointment as a freshman at Penn State, and I was anxious.
I glanced down at the medical intake form in front of me. It was a new experience, having to provide my own information. Name, birth date, and reason for my visit were straightforward. I was there due to a small sore that had appeared on my right cheekbone, initially dismissed as an odd pimple. However, it had grown larger, itchier, and more bothersome. After misdiagnosing it as ringworm and using fungal cream, which only worsened the situation, I decided it was time to seek professional help.
Filling out my medical history was a different story. Coming from a family with a history of obesity, high cholesterol, and smoking, I felt the weight of genetic predispositions bearing down on me. While conditions like cancer and heart disease may not be hereditary, the impact of an unhealthy lifestyle certainly loomed large. When it came to my sexual history, things became even more complicated. I had no clear understanding of whether I had been exposed to sexually transmitted infections or HIV.
Technically, I was still a virgin—at least by the conventional definition of intercourse. However, my past experiences were anything but typical. As a survivor of sexual abuse, I had engaged in sexual acts against my will for years. I had performed these acts and had them done to me, but many details were lost in the fog of trauma. I was uncertain about the number of partners my abuser had, and there was no protection used.
As I filled out the form, it felt like someone was finally prompting me to share my story. I was both relieved and terrified to be honest about nearly a decade of abuse at the hands of a distant relative. The healthcare professional who reviewed my intake form was compassionate, but I struggled to answer some of her questions.
For those of us who have survived sexual abuse, our memories can be fragmented or completely absent. Sometimes, our minds shield us from the pain, leaving us to piece together a narrative that we can barely comprehend. Just because we don’t recall every moment doesn’t mean our experiences were any less real. Memory gaps don’t negate the reality of our trauma.
The medical professional helping me assess my cheek sore was also addressing deeper wounds. She gently inquired if I had ever been tested for sexually transmitted infections. The truth was, I hadn’t been tested for anything. While the risk for HIV was lower due to the gender of my abuser, it felt imperative for my physical and mental well-being to seek answers.
When you’re a victim of sexual violence, it’s essential to take control of your health. I agreed to the screening, but the reality was that I was confronting painful truths connected to my past. The potential for an infection or disease loomed large, amplifying my anxiety about the unknown.
I underwent a blood test and waited anxiously for the results. The sore turned out to be herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1). Unlike HSV-2, which causes genital sores, this cold sore on my cheek was a reminder of my body’s vulnerabilities. The healthcare provider attributed the outbreak to stress. She took the time to educate me about safe sex practices, regardless of sexual orientation, without judgment. I appreciated her approach and received a prescription for Valtrex to manage the symptoms.
Several days later, I received a call with the results of my blood work. Her voice broke through my quietude like the crinkling paper beneath me. Thankfully, I tested negative for HIV and other STIs. However, while my physical health was intact, I knew the mental journey was just beginning. Healing from sexual violence involves navigating the balance between the horrors of the past and forging a path toward a healthier future.
If you’re interested in exploring more about family planning and home insemination, check out this blog post for more information. You can also learn about the journey of couples in the context of fertility here. For additional support regarding female infertility, this resource offers valuable insights.
In summary, my experience getting an HIV test was a transformative moment that highlighted both my vulnerabilities and my resilience. While the physical results were reassuring, navigating the mental aftermath of my past remains an ongoing journey.
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