Sex should be enjoyable, not painful. This isn’t just about assault; even consensual sex with a partner or during solo play shouldn’t involve discomfort. While I won’t delve into BDSM here, if that’s your scene, that’s perfectly fine. I’m not here to judge anyone’s sexual preferences. However, if you’re experiencing pain during sex that isn’t part of the plan, don’t just brush it off or try to endure it. For those with vaginas who enjoy penetration, there are various reasons why pain might occur.
It’s important to acknowledge that when we discuss penetration, we’re referring to all individuals with vaginas, including transgender and nonbinary people. This also encompasses the use of sex toys, fingers, and, of course, penises. Sex is not solely a heterosexual cisgender affair, so let’s broaden our understanding as we tackle the issue of painful vaginal sex.
A staggering 75% of individuals with vaginas have dealt with pain during penetration at some point in their lives. This recurring discomfort is termed dyspareunia. When the pain arises from the pelvic floor, it’s known as vaginismus, which can lead to muscle spasms severe enough to make penetration impossible—and that should never be forced. Chronic vulvar or vaginal pain is referred to as vulvodynia. Pain during sex can stem from both physical and psychological factors.
If you’re experiencing pain, the first question to ask is: are you truly ready? Rushing into penetration is a recipe for discomfort. Take your time; a dry vagina equals a sore vagina. Make sure you’re sufficiently lubricated. When aroused, your vagina should relax and moisten naturally. External stimulation and oral sex can aid in this process, along with a quality water-based lubricant to enhance pleasure.
However, if you’re adequately prepared and still encounter sudden pain, bleeding, burning, or unusual discharge during sex, it might indicate an undiagnosed STI, warranting an immediate check-up.
Numbness during sex or discomfort in the anus or perineum could signal nerve damage. The pudendal nerve, which connects the perineum to the external genitals and anal sphincter, can suffer injury during childbirth, vaginal trauma, prolonged sitting, or even injuries from exercise or yoga. This nerve is crucial for transmitting sensations from the vagina and clitoris to the brain, and you definitely want it functioning properly during sex.
For some, pain during sex is a constant issue. Please don’t try to tough it out; chronic discomfort can stem from conditions like endometriosis or cysts. Sensitivity or bleeding from the cervix may be indicative of underlying health problems. Any recurring symptoms should prompt a visit to your doctor or gynecologist. Remember, we’re discussing your sexual health, but also your overall wellness. After all, who wants to engage in sex if it hurts? If you’re feeling obligated to have sex despite a lack of desire, it will likely be even more painful since a relaxed body is essential for enjoyment.
Sometimes the reasons for pain are not physical. Trauma can be stored in our bodies, and for survivors of sexual assault or those who have faced body shaming, even consensual encounters can be distressing. Memories of fear and stress can manifest physically, causing us to tense up and disconnect. The autonomic nervous system, which governs both sexual sensations and our fight-or-flight response, may interpret this trauma as pain. Seeking therapy and communicating with your partner can help. Enjoyable sex is possible after trauma, but it requires time and a supportive partner. Be gentle with yourself and find someone who will reciprocate that kindness.
Post-sex cramping is another issue some may face, with discomfort radiating from the pelvic area to the back or thighs. This can be exacerbated by sensitivities to oxytocin released during sex, urinary tract infections, or irritable bowel syndrome—because as if those weren’t already challenging enough.
So, what should you do if sex is painful? The answer is simple: consult your doctor or gynecologist. Be honest about your experiences and advocate for your health. You deserve to enjoy sex without pain. A medical professional can help identify potential issues through pelvic exams, ultrasounds, or other assessments. Physical therapy with a pelvic floor specialist or talk therapy may also provide relief.
Sex should be pleasurable, so let go of outdated notions that diminish the value of vaginas compared to penises. Vaginas are beautiful, powerful, and deserving of love and pleasure. And remember: You owe no one sexual intimacy—not your partner, not your spouse. If it doesn’t feel right or enjoyable, don’t engage.
For those initiating penetration, it’s essential to pay attention to your partner’s responses. Observe their body language and regularly check in with them. Are they expressing enjoyment, or do they seem tense or in pain? If there are signs of discomfort, stop. Consent is vital, and sex should be a fun, pleasurable experience for everyone involved.
In summary, if you’re struggling with pain during sex, you’re not alone, and there are resources available to help. Don’t hesitate to reach out for medical support or talk to a trusted therapist. You deserve a fulfilling and enjoyable sex life.
For more information, check out this resource on home insemination and this great site for all things related to pregnancy and fertility.
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