Trigger Warning: postpartum anxiety, mental health struggles
In January, I welcomed my daughter, Lily Rose, just 16 months after my first child, Mia. I had just begun to feel somewhat settled with two kids, having recently sold our house and moved in with my parents for financial relief and extra support. My husband, Jake, and my mother returned to school, leaving me with the kids.
Despite all these changes, I initially felt a wave of newborn bliss that I had never experienced before. I thought, “Third time’s a charm!” But this joy quickly faded as we faced a relentless month of illnesses, including bouts of croup, the flu, and stomach bugs. Just when we thought the kids were back to health, they would fall sick again. That’s when my anxiety spiraled out of control.
I found myself scrubbing the bathroom with bleach multiple times in the middle of the night. I couldn’t even be near my sick children. A hug from them would send me rushing for the shower, and I began dousing myself in disinfectant spray afterward. I spent sleepless nights obsessively cleaning doorknobs and checking on the kids, feeling the fear that the illnesses would somehow reach my newborn. I recognized that my thoughts were irrational, yet I felt powerless to change them.
I was in a constant state of anxiety, crying daily and suffering physically from the stress. My eating dwindled to just a few crackers and slices of fruit. My mind raced uncontrollably, and I felt trapped in my own skin. I yearned for just one deep breath, but that was elusive.
Simple tasks became monumental challenges; changing a diaper could take me almost half an hour as I fought against my own racing thoughts. My family noticed my strange behaviors and tried to intervene. My mom contacted my OB, who recommended medication. However, I was too far gone to accept help. I eventually confided in a couple of friends, who were incredibly supportive. One delivered care packages to my older children, while another insisted I join her for lunch and a pedicure. Despite this kindness, I was sinking deeper into despair.
Then one day, everything shifted again. Instead of crying, I woke up consumed with anger at my existence. I felt trapped and overwhelmed, and for the first time, I let my newborn lie in her crib crying for over an hour because I couldn’t face getting out of bed. During that time, I contemplated taking my own life, and that moment marked a critical turning point for me.
While I had experienced mild postpartum depression with my first two children, this was far more severe. I reached out to my family for help, and they immediately sprang into action. After discussions with a therapist and family members, it became clear that I needed professional help. I resisted the idea of going to a treatment center, feeling like I would be a burden. But when my husband sat with tears in his eyes, expressing how much I meant to him and our children, I realized I needed to face my reality.
They packed a bag for me, and I held Lily, apologizing for leaving her at such a young age. I explained to my three-year-old, Noah, that I needed to get help, using the analogy from the movie Inside Out to help him understand. I promised him joy would return.
Treatment was incredibly challenging. The first few days were filled with guilt and fear, but as I settled in, I focused on my healing. I learned that mental illness is a disease, not a choice, resulting from a chemical imbalance in my brain. I began medication and started the long road to recovery.
I was fortunate to be in a supportive group where we shared our stories and helped each other through our darkest moments. I learned to be kinder to myself and to understand that mental health struggles are not something to be ashamed of.
While I’ve returned home to my children, the journey isn’t over. I still face tough days, but I now have the tools to cope. I see my therapist regularly, work out, and strive to be the best version of myself.
If you are experiencing anything similar to what I went through, please reach out for help. You are not alone, and seeking assistance can be lifesaving. There is a stigma surrounding postpartum struggles, but it’s crucial to recognize that mental health issues are as valid as any physical ailment.
For more information on self-care during the parenting journey, check out our posts on home insemination kits and intracervical insemination, as well as resources on IVF.
Summary:
This article reflects on the profound challenges of postpartum anxiety, particularly how it manifested as severe germophobia in the author’s life. The narrative explores the struggles of coping with mental health issues after childbirth, highlighting the importance of seeking help and the journey toward healing. It underscores that mental illness is a disease, not a choice, and encourages those affected to reach out for support.
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