The Dangers of Striving for Perfection in Parenting

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• The Dangers of Striving for Perfection in Parenting

by Jenna Sampson

Updated: Sept. 20, 2023

Originally Published: Sept. 20, 2019

All parents experience fatigue at some point, but parental burnout goes beyond mere tiredness. For those of us with young children, “tired” often feels like our baseline state. Yet, burnout manifests as a profound sense of depletion—physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. It’s that haunting feeling of having given everything to your children, only to find yourself utterly empty. It’s like the ideal parent you envisioned has vanished, leaving you to burn the candle at both ends, with nothing but ash remaining.

I had a striking encounter with parental burnout when my first child, Max, was two and a half. He was one of those little ones who just wouldn’t sleep. He craved constant attention, was prone to intense meltdowns, and had an insatiable need for engagement. As a first-time parent, I believed that devoting myself entirely to his needs was the only way to succeed as a mom. I co-slept, napped beside him, and spent endless hours soothing him, neglecting my own need for rest and self-care.

I didn’t realize how lost I had become until I found myself watching Max splash joyfully in a pool, feeling detached as if I were observing someone else’s life. The joy and contentment that should have filled me were absent, replaced by a bone-chilling numbness that lingered for weeks.

Parental burnout can make you feel like a mere shadow of your former self, and it can be frightening. Fortunately, that overwhelming detachment became the catalyst for me to return to therapy. I began to prioritize my self-care and reevaluate my quest for perfection in parenting. The truth is, no parent is perfect, and what kids truly need is a healthy, happy parent.

Research indicates that parental burnout is a widespread issue with significant implications not only for parents but also for their children. A study from UCLouvain and Stanford University defines parental burnout as the chronic stress of parenting, leading to profound exhaustion. The pressure to be the perfect parent can cause this burnout, which ultimately affects our children’s well-being.

Lead researcher, Alex Morgan, noted that the societal expectations placed on parents can be overwhelming. “Striving for perfection is unrealistic and can lead to exhaustion,” he said. “When parents recharge, it benefits their children too.”

In their study involving nearly 3,000 parents, researchers discovered a concerning link between parental burnout and outcomes like neglect, aggression, and feelings of wanting to escape parenting. Ironically, this burnout often originates from the desire to provide the best for our children but instead results in the opposite effect.

The researchers advocate for parents to prioritize self-care, seek mental health support when necessary, and break the stigma surrounding parental needs. However, simply suggesting self-care isn’t enough. Many parents lack access to affordable mental health services, time off, and supportive networks, making it challenging to prioritize their own well-being.

Awareness about parental burnout is essential, and recognizing the importance of putting your needs first can be eye-opening. Trust me: you can’t pour from an empty cup. What children need most are parents who are content and whole.

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Summary:

Parental burnout is a serious issue that can lead to emotional and physical depletion, adversely affecting both parents and children. The pressure to be a perfect parent can result in neglect and other negative outcomes. Prioritizing self-care and seeking support are crucial steps in preventing burnout. Remember, a happy, healthy parent is what children truly need.