Breaking Generational Patterns: A Journey Toward Healthier Parenting

When I was younger, the phrase “generational curses” would send a chill down my spine. I imagined it as an actual curse cast upon families, passed down through the ages due to the misdeeds of ancestors. However, with time, I’ve come to see this concept more abstractly, yet I still recognize the necessity of breaking these cycles. For me, generational curses are intertwined with the historical injustices faced by Black Americans.

In this context, I’m addressing the harmful behaviors that we may inherit from our parents and ancestors. Sadly, my community isn’t the only one to develop these detrimental adaptations in response to adversity. Our children often bear the burden of maladaptive behaviors, like the use of corporal punishment. Here are some “curses” I aim to dismantle as part of my legacy:

Unjust Criticism
I believe in the power of honesty, but it should stem from love. When we correct others, it should be constructive and focused on specific actions rather than attacking their character. Many people criticize the long-term effects of physical discipline, such as spanking, and rightly so. The scars from harsh punishments can linger long after the act. Instead, we can guide our children through gentle correction, ensuring they don’t suffer damage before they even face the outside world. Remember, giving constructive feedback should never be a guise for tearing someone down.
Internalized Oppression
Internalized oppression often manifests similarly to harsh criticism. However, it has unique implications that can lead to its own brand of harm. This occurs when marginalized individuals restrict the opportunities of younger generations out of fear for their future. For instance, older women might tell young girls that their worth is limited to traditional roles, while in the Black community, there may be discouragement from pursuing education based on racial stereotypes. Each marginalized community has its own version of this struggle, and my aim is to empower my children to embrace their identities without the shame I once faced.
Stigmatization of Mental Health
I want my children to feel free to discuss mental health openly. The stigma surrounding mental health in the Black community can be overwhelming. I’ve often felt embarrassed by my experiences with anxiety and depression. I want my kids to understand that emotional fluctuations are a natural part of life and that seeking help when needed is a sign of strength, not weakness. Therapy and medication should be viewed as valid options to maintain mental well-being.
Authoritarian Parenting
Finally, I want to address the way I was raised—through fear-based parenting. While I understand the intentions behind this approach, it often limits a child’s experiences and can hinder open communication. I want my children to know that they can come to me without fear, especially during tough times. The goal is to create a safe space where they feel comfortable discussing their struggles.

I don’t expect to enact these changes overnight, but I believe it’s possible. My mother broke generational patterns for me, just as her mother did for her, and I’m committed to doing the same for my children. While it’s challenging work, the rewards of personal growth and healthier relationships far outweigh the difficulties.

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