I’ll admit it—there was a time when I clung to my marriage far longer than I should have, all in the name of protecting my children. It’s natural to want to hold onto the life you’ve built together, especially when kids are involved. The thought of single parenting or spending holidays apart can feel overwhelming. After years of partnership, staying put seems like the safer bet, and it’s all too easy to convince yourself that it’s not as bad as it seems.
It’s tempting to look around the dinner table at your kids and think that staying together is in their best interest. But let me be clear: remaining in a loveless marriage does not safeguard your children—not in the slightest.
Of course, we understand that separation can hurt children and disrupt their lives, which makes it feel instinctively wrong to consider it. So, we hold on. We try to keep their feelings at the forefront while we wrestle with our own discontent. But I’ve learned from experience that enduring an unhappy marriage only perpetuates a cycle of unhappiness.
When I decided to separate from my husband, the question “What about the kids?” came up frequently. Those who have never experienced divorce often lack the insight to see beyond the surface. It’s easy for them to raise concerns, but what’s really needed is encouragement to prioritize your own well-being. After all, your happiness is paramount.
Divorce is daunting, and it can feel like an admission of failure. But it’s not a failure at all. Don’t let the ghosts of pre-divorce worries haunt you, no matter what anyone else says—even if they imply that staying together for the sake of the kids is the right thing to do.
It’s crucial to understand that forcing yourself to stay in an unhappy relationship can be more harmful to your children than you realize. My own difficulties began when my youngest was just four, and believe me, he was aware of the tension. I still remember the moment he remarked, “Mommy is sad because Dad wants her to do things with him and she doesn’t want to.” That innocent observation came from an argument I thought he had missed. It was a painful reminder that our unhappiness seeped into their lives, leaving lasting impressions.
Over the years, our problems persisted, and all three of my children sensed the strain. Children are perceptive; they pick up on tensions, even if they don’t openly discuss them. This can manifest as anxiety, reluctance to go to school, or increased withdrawal.
Once I recognized that my marriage was about the partnership between my ex-husband and me, rather than solely about the kids, I found clarity regarding our divorce. We had made commitments to each other before our children were born, promises we could no longer uphold. Although we once shared love and built a beautiful family, that love faded, and we couldn’t revive it. We each deserve to find happiness, and our children need to witness us being loved in a genuine way. Staying together out of obligation was damaging not just to us, but potentially to them too.
It’s been over two years since the split, and my ex is now happily involved with a wonderful woman who my children adore. They enjoy twice the love, double the family outings, and new experiences like bonus siblings. They see a mother who is strong, capable, and embraces her independence.
Had we remained together, our children would have had to share space with two adults who barely tolerated one another. Instead, they now see us getting along and communicating better. They are learning the importance of prioritizing one’s own happiness, which sets a healthier example for them.
Yes, divorce can impact children, but if we had stayed together for their sake, I believe the long-term damage of a loveless household would have outweighed any temporary discomfort caused by the breakup. Children can adapt to a new family dynamic; they cannot adjust to watching two unhappy adults cohabitate.
Staying together for your kids is a misguided rationale that often leads to more harm than good. Choose to stay for your own happiness, separate for your own well-being, and ultimately, divorce for yourself. If you don’t advocate for your own joy, no one else will, regardless of what you sacrifice for others.
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Summary:
Choosing to remain in an unhappy marriage for the sake of children can do more harm than good. The belief that staying together provides stability is often misguided. Parents should prioritize their own happiness, as children thrive when they see their parents living fulfilled lives. Divorce, while daunting, can lead to healthier dynamics for all involved. Embracing change can ultimately create a more positive environment for children.
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