As parents, our language holds immense power over our children. They trust us completely; after all, we’ve successfully convinced them that a jolly old man in a red suit delivers presents through the chimney. With such influence comes the duty to choose our words wisely. Even casual remarks can leave lasting imprints on how our children perceive themselves and their surroundings.
As a mother of three spirited girls and someone who once walked in their tiny shoes, I’ve experienced firsthand the impact of comments made by adults—both related and unrelated. It took me a long journey to muster the courage to redefine these narratives, and now I’m committed to giving my daughters a head start.
Our times are evolving, and so must the way we communicate with our little girls. Here are some key shifts to consider:
- Interpreting Meanness: When a boy is unkind, it’s often dismissed as a sign of affection. While this may seem harmless, it sets a troubling precedent that boys lack the skills to express their feelings positively, thereby placing the burden on girls to interpret such behavior as love. Recently, my six-year-old mentioned a boy who was mean to her. My instinct was to say he must like her, but I paused. I want her to understand that disrespect is never acceptable. Instead, I encouraged her to express her feelings and set boundaries.
- Expectation of “Ladylike” Behavior: The phrase “act more ladylike” often implies that girls must adhere to higher behavioral standards than boys, unjustly placing them in a position of responsibility for others’ actions. Just because my daughters are often more emotionally attuned doesn’t mean they should be restricted in how they express themselves. Instead, I believe all children should be held accountable for their actions, regardless of gender. They deserve the freedom to be kids, even if my seven-year-old insists on wearing high heels!
- Associating Food and Fitness with Body Image: This is a tough one—it’s hard to control external influences. Despite my parents’ best efforts, I still absorbed societal messages about body image from media. While we’ve made strides in promoting body positivity, the idea that being thin is ideal remains pervasive. To counter this, I emphasize how foods affect our energy levels rather than our appearance. I explain to my girls, “Too much candy can upset your stomach,” and “An apple gives you energy.” When they ask about my exercise routines, I focus on strength and vitality, not size—hoping they’ll adopt this mindset too.
- Protective Statements: When men in my life said they would “kill” anyone who hurt me, it felt comforting as a child. However, as I grew older and encountered stories of sexual assault, I recognized how damaging such declarations can be. They can inadvertently silence victims, making them fear the consequences of speaking out. Instead, I choose to say, “If someone ever hurts you, I will believe you.” This fosters an environment of trust and safety.
- Gender Stereotyping: When my four-year-old requested a bike with her favorite character from Paw Patrol, my initial thought was to choose the pink version. But then I remembered her request was for the blue bike featuring Chase. She loves taking charge, and it’s vital for her to see that her preferences aren’t limited by gender stereotypes. I want to encourage her curiosity and questions that challenge outdated norms.
Most of these phrases are often spoken with love and tradition, but they stem from a time when women were viewed as secondary to men. It’s time for us to adapt our language to reflect a more equitable society. I can’t promise that my daughters will never hear these outdated statements, but I hope that by providing them with a strong foundation, they won’t assign them the same weight when they do.
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Summary
The way we communicate with our daughters must evolve to empower them and challenge outdated stereotypes. By shifting our language and focusing on self-worth, we can help them navigate the world with confidence and a sense of agency.
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