Recently, my mom inquired if it bothered me that my wife doesn’t maintain a perfectly organized home. I replied honestly: I didn’t marry her for a spotless house; I married her because she’s my lifelong partner. To my surprise, she agreed with me.
When I posted this on social media, I received messages from men curious about whether my wife is a stay-at-home mom or if she has a job. I’ve discussed the topic of messy homes and the equitable sharing of household responsibilities countless times. Yet, it’s fascinating how often men ask if my wife stays at home, usually because they want to justify their own arguments at home. They seem to hope their wife will concede, saying, “Oh, you’re right; I’m the one at fault. I’ll change.”
So, guys, since this seems to be a pressing question for some of you, here’s my take: My wife has worked outside the home, been a student, and at times, she’s been a stay-at-home mom. I’ve worn those hats too—working, studying, and being a stay-at-home dad. Regardless of our roles, we both share the responsibility of keeping our home clean.
I was raised with the notion that if the house isn’t tidy, the mother isn’t doing her job. But that’s simply incorrect. The moment you ask if she’s “working” or is a “stay-at-home mom,” it signals that you don’t truly appreciate the incredible effort it takes to be a full-time parent. When I was a stay-at-home dad, I’d clean the floors, only to find them messy again minutes later. I’d have the kids tidy up their toys before bed, and by morning, they’d be scattered everywhere again. Kids are, after all, experts at creating chaos.
During my time as a stay-at-home parent, I realized that managing a household is akin to juggling a multitude of full-time jobs: housekeeper, caregiver, educator, chef, and more. Let’s be clear: staying home with kids is no walk in the park; it’s labor-intensive and demands recognition.
In my marriage, our partnership thrives. Our children are happy, healthy, and doing well in school. We prioritize our family and ensure our children learn respect and kindness. They laugh and follow our rules, and they know they are loved deeply. My wife and I understand that our marriage is a partnership in all aspects, and that’s what truly matters.
The state of our home? It’s not a priority. We aren’t living in a pigsty, but it’s definitely not Instagram-perfect either. There are toys on the floor and laundry that may not be folded, but we also sit down to healthy, home-cooked meals, and our kids are well cared for.
If you think a spotless, perfectly organized house is the only measure of a stay-at-home parent’s success, you need to reassess your priorities.
Here’s the deal, fellas: Shift your focus from the state of the house to your children’s development and happiness. Notice how they interact with their mother. You might find that while the house is a bit messy, your kids are thriving and joyous.
I’m not suggesting that a clean house is a bad thing. However, it’s crucial not to criticize a parent for teaching a child to swim instead of vacuuming. Recognize that a messy house doesn’t equate to a bad parent. Often, they are simply investing their time in more meaningful ways.
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In summary, let’s rethink what it means to be a good parent. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Focus on fostering a loving environment for your children and valuing the hard work that goes into being a stay-at-home parent.
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