Trigger Warning: Discusses self-harm, trauma, and abuse.
After a grueling day, I found myself on the floor with my three-year-old daughter, Lily, trying to catch my breath. We both were crying, but the reasons were worlds apart. Lily wanted my undivided attention for bedtime, while I craved a moment of peace after enduring the challenges of pregnancy with her little brother for what felt like an eternity.
In our chaotic state, Lily’s small fingers dug into my leg, and I felt my patience wearing thin. It’s hard to blame her for being needy—I was heavily pregnant and was still grappling with the emotional fallout from saying goodbye to a family member just days earlier. My stress levels were soaring, and I knew her clinginess was a reflection of her own confusion about our family’s changes.
As her cries escalated into full-blown screams, my anxiety reached a tipping point. I quickly passed her to my partner, darted down the stairs, and locked myself in the bathroom. Sitting in the dark, I was overwhelmed by a panic attack and resorted to a self-destructive action that fills me with shame: I began hitting my head against the wall, desperately seeking relief.
Regrettably, this wasn’t my first encounter with self-harm. For nearly two decades, I’ve struggled with these impulses. In that moment, I wished I could articulate to Lily why I felt so defeated. I wanted her to understand that my reactions had little to do with her and everything to do with the shadows of my past, which she knows nothing about. But how do you explain such complex emotions to a toddler? How do you tell her that her mother endured various forms of abuse as a child?
I have been grappling with complex PTSD, a reality that affects millions of people in the U.S. The birth of my daughter brought those buried feelings to the surface in ways I never anticipated. Since she turned one, I’ve also been experiencing intense panic attacks and muscle twitches that leave me feeling terrified and bewildered.
After a particularly tough week, I sought help from a counselor specializing in trauma and postpartum issues. That step marked a turning point in my journey of understanding why I had been punishing myself for so long. Nearly two years into focused mental health recovery, I’m proud to report that my victories now outweigh my setbacks. I’ve learned the importance of reaching out for support rather than suffering in silence. I’ve also taken steps to be closer to my partner’s family, collaborated with a therapist to manage triggers, and even explored medication for my escalating PTSD symptoms.
Yet, as much as I’ve progressed, I’ve discovered that healing isn’t a straight path. You can make significant strides forward, only to find yourself set back by a single moment. The painful memories of my past still echo, and certain situations can trigger overwhelming feelings that challenge my growth.
One important realization has been that I can’t assure myself that my days of self-harm are gone forever. Accepting this truth has compelled me to develop courage and self-compassion. I grew up with a need for control and perfection to avoid harsh treatment, but breaking down those walls has allowed me to embrace my imperfections. By facing my past traumas directly, I am not only healing but also becoming a more understanding and forgiving parent.
My authenticity fosters a bond with Lily, where she feels completely heard and validated, no matter how challenging her emotions may be. In choosing to be vulnerable with her, I’ve created a safe space for her to express herself. As I navigate motherhood with Lily and my ten-month-old son, I will hold onto the progress I’ve made and the lessons I continue to learn.
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Summary:
Navigating the complexities of motherhood while coping with complex PTSD is a daily challenge. This journey includes moments of vulnerability, self-harm, and the ongoing quest for healing. Through therapy and self-compassion, I am learning to embrace my imperfections and foster a loving relationship with my children.
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