My eldest son, Max, is a remarkable child. He’s inquisitive, intelligent, hilariously quirky, and sweet—though his empathy is still developing! Yet, he often becomes our family’s “squeaky wheel.”
From a young age, Max’s sensory processing difficulties have led to various challenging behaviors, demanding a disproportionate amount of our attention. While my younger son, Leo, also faces sensory processing issues, his struggles are far less severe. He’s generally the “easier” child to manage.
Max’s heightened sensitivities often necessitate special accommodations, leaving Leo to fend for himself. Compared to Leo, Max is more prone to sensory overload, quicker to experience meltdowns, less adaptable, and requires more services such as occupational therapy, physical therapy, and speech therapy. Consequently, he tends to command more of our time and energy.
My husband and I frequently feel as though we’re tiptoeing around Max. In our efforts to maintain peace and avoid his emotional outbursts, we’ve unwittingly catered to him—sometimes at Leo’s expense. One memorable incident occurred a couple of years ago when we took the boys to a festive boat parade. As we settled onto the crowded lawn, Max noticed a vendor selling light-up toys and immediately asked for one. My husband, ever the budget-conscious parent, hesitantly agreed.
Once Max returned with a light-up balloon, he spotted yet another vendor selling even more enticing toys and begged for another. My husband, already at his wit’s end, snapped, “No! You just got one.” With the crowd’s noise and the disruption of his usual routine weighing on him, Max began to spiral. “But, Daddy, PLEEEAAASSSEEE!” he whined, and I knew we were headed for a meltdown.
Despite knowing I was making a questionable parenting choice, I wanted us to enjoy the parade together as a family. So, I said, “Okay, Max, let’s go check out the other toys.” My husband shot me a look that could have burned a hole through my soul.
I took both boys to explore the other toys, and after a painstaking ten minutes of deliberation, Max finally chose one. Meanwhile, Leo had already picked his toy and was happily playing as he waited. However, when I handed over my card to pay, the vendor informed me it was cash only. Cue the meltdown—Max’s tantrum drew the attention of everyone around us while Leo stood by quietly, watching.
I ended up carrying Max to the car amidst his kicking and screaming, while my husband packed up our things with Leo. So much for enjoying the parade.
As we drove home, Max continued his outburst while Leo played with his new toy in silence. Even now, reflecting on that day brings a lump to my throat. If only I could go back and, at the first sign of Max’s distress, take him aside to help him calm down, allowing my husband and Leo to enjoy the event. Instead, I made many poor choices over the years in an attempt to keep the peace, letting Max dominate our family dynamic.
I often lie awake at night, feeling burdened by guilt over what both boys have experienced and pondering how it will all unfold. Although we’ve made strides in shifting our parenting approach and Max’s behavior has improved thanks to sensory integration therapy, I still worry about how his challenges have impacted Leo.
I fret about Leo feeling envious of the extra attention Max receives (even negative attention counts), feeling confused about Max’s outbursts, or thinking he must compensate for his brother’s behavior. I worry he might feel responsible for Max’s emotions and that Max’s intensity could lead Leo to suppress his own feelings.
Numerous studies have shown that siblings of children with developmental challenges often grapple with feelings of worry, jealousy, anger, and confusion. They may feel pressured to be the “perfect” child, or even guilty for having negative emotions about their sibling’s struggles. Yet, it’s also common for these siblings to develop heightened empathy, resilience, and kindness.
During those restless nights, I remind myself of these positives and focus on setting specific parenting intentions to support Leo’s needs. Here are six strategies to ensure your typically developing child feels valued and cared for:
- Seek Support: Remember the cardinal rule of parenting: take care of yourself first. You can’t help your children if you’re overwhelmed. If you haven’t had time for yourself lately, reach out for support.
- Discuss Sibling Struggles: Keeping your atypically developing child in the dark about their sibling’s challenges can lead to confusion and shame. It’s essential to explain these difficulties in an age-appropriate and empowering way.
- Increase One-on-One Time: Schedule dedicated daily time to spend with each child. This is perhaps the most crucial intervention you can implement.
- Normalize Their Feelings: Help your typically developing child process their mixed emotions about their sibling. Let them know that it’s okay to feel angry or sad about the situation.
- Create a Safe Outlet: Encourage your child to express their feelings, whether through art, journaling, or simply talking with you during special time.
- Simplify Your Schedule: Avoid overwhelming your family with excessive transitions and activities. A calmer schedule allows you to prioritize everyone’s needs effectively.
Implementing these strategies can create an emotional buffer for your typically developing child and ensure that their needs aren’t overshadowed by their sibling’s challenges.
If you notice any signs that your child may need extra support—like changes in sleep or eating habits, withdrawal, or increased anxiety—don’t hesitate to consult your pediatrician for guidance, including referrals to specialists.
Parenting is undeniably challenging, and raising a child with unique needs can be especially tough. If you find yourself struggling, know you’re not alone. Take a deep breath, extend grace to yourself, and remember that it’s possible to navigate these complexities. You and your children will be alright—you’ve got this!
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Summary
Navigating the challenges of parenting a child with special needs can often leave siblings feeling overlooked. Recognizing this dynamic and taking intentional steps to support both children is essential. Implementing strategies such as increasing one-on-one time, normalizing feelings, and simplifying schedules can help create a balanced environment where every child feels valued and understood.
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