As a woman in my 40s who knows what I want out of life, I’ve become quite discerning in my search for a partner. I want to find someone special to share my life with, and I deserve that. But finding the right person isn’t just about me; it’s also about my three kids.
I find myself saying “no” frequently—whether it’s to requests for intimate pictures, late-night texts, or even someone wanting to walk me to my car after a date. It’s my prerogative, and I’ve become confident in asserting my boundaries. In the past, I may have struggled with saying “no” out of fear of hurting someone’s feelings, but I’ve learned to stand firm.
What I haven’t mastered, however, is the baffling way many men react to my refusals.
Examples of Frustrating Encounters
Take, for example, a guy who reached out to me on social media. We had no prior acquaintance, but shared mutual friends. He was married with kids and had just relocated to the area. When I politely suggested he bring his wife along, he insisted he wanted to meet me alone, claiming his marriage was in trouble. I firmly told him that wasn’t happening and advised him to focus on his family. I thought that would be the end of it, but he kept messaging me. After multiple attempts to communicate my disinterest, I ultimately blocked him.
Another instance occurred on a dating app called Bumble. I had been chatting with a charming man who seemed genuinely invested in his children. After exchanging numbers, I felt optimistic. However, when I mentioned my preferences in body types, he sent me an explicit photo of himself, asking if it met my criteria. While I appreciate some flirtation, I believe in establishing a connection first. When I told him to refrain from sending such pictures, he mistook my boundaries for an invitation to share more. I reiterated my disinterest, but he called me uptight and continued to text me as if nothing had happened.
I once went on a date with a nice guy, but we didn’t click romantically. After a polite “no” to a second date, he insisted I was mistaken and sent me a barrage of texts claiming I’d change my mind if we went out again. I had to repeat my “no” multiple times before he finally got the message.
I also had a troubling experience with a man I dated over the holidays. After realizing he was a gaslighting narcissist, I told him I didn’t wish to continue seeing him. Instead of respecting my decision, he bombarded me with messages and even showed up uninvited at my house when my kids were home. I had to text him several times to leave before I threatened to call the police. It felt like I had to say “no” at least 20 times before he finally left.
The Broader Issue
These men, despite being educated and successful, struggle to accept the word “no.” It seems that their immediate reaction is to dismiss my feelings, insisting I must be misinterpreting my own emotions.
It’s not just me experiencing this; I’ve heard similar stories from countless women who face similar challenges. The inability to accept “no” seems ingrained in many men, and it raises the question: will this ever change?
Teaching the Next Generation
I have two sons, and I’m committed to teaching them the importance of respecting a woman’s boundaries. I want them to understand that “no” means “no” the very first time it’s said—not after multiple reminders or threats. This is a lesson they need to learn to ensure they never perpetuate this cycle.
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In summary, it’s essential that we teach the next generation about the significance of consent and respecting boundaries. As frustrating as these experiences may be, I’m determined to foster a mindset in my sons that embraces respect and understanding.
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