The other day, I came across one of the most breathtaking images I’ve ever seen. It depicted a lovely grandmother in a hospital nursery, cradling her newborn grandchild for the first time. Tears streamed down her face as she embraced the baby, eyes tightly shut, savoring that precious newborn scent. The love she had for that child was unmistakable, radiating through the screen.
While this heartwarming scene filled me with joy, it also left me feeling a deep emptiness. I would give almost anything to have a mother who showered me with that kind of love. Each time I envision my mom holding my child in that manner, it feels like a punch to the gut. The reality is, I don’t have that kind of relationship. I’ve often felt a pang of envy toward friends who have doting parents, especially as they’ve transitioned into being equally loving grandparents. Lately, though, my feelings have shifted from jealousy to a profound sadness for myself and others in similar situations.
Having a toxic or absent mother leaves a lasting impact. You can learn coping mechanisms, shift your perspective, and even find ways to forgive, but the void of being neglected by the person who should have loved you the most never truly disappears. And when you become a parent yourself, that sense of loss can intensify. As I held my child, I realized just how fiercely I would protect and cherish them, and it made me question why I wasn’t enough for my own mother. Why didn’t things improve as I grew older?
I once hoped my mom would compensate for her past failures by becoming the grandmother I had always wished for my children. I adore my own grandparents, who provided me with unconditional love and support, the foundation I needed to navigate my tumultuous childhood. They were my safe haven, always present in my life.
But the reality is, no one can fill the void left by a mother who doesn’t show up. That absence is still felt today. If I allow myself to dwell on it, tears begin to flow for all the memories we never created and for all the moments she’s missing now.
I dream of a mother who would fight for me the way I fight for my kids. Even a smidgen of that love would be enough. I thought that becoming a mother might change our dynamic; that she would finally see my worth and bond with me like most mothers do with their daughters. I imagined her wanting to be engaged in my life and my children’s lives, making up for lost time.
I long for a mom who insists on babysitting so my partner and I can enjoy a rare date night. I wish for a mother who spontaneously invites us over for dinner, just because. I fantasize about having someone who truly loves me and supports me in the way I love and support my own children.
Unfortunately, I know that my mother will never be the nurturing figure shown in that beautiful photograph. While I can’t change my past or her actions, I can take control of my future. I will be the mother I never had, and I will become the loving grandmother in that picture.
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Summary
The author reflects on the emotional void left by an absent or toxic mother, contrasting it with the nurturing relationship she desires for herself and her children. Through her journey as a mother, she resolves to become the loving parent she never had, despite the pain of her past.
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