A few weeks ago, we made the tough decision to withdraw our children from a local homeschool swimming and physical education program operated by a reputable health and fitness organization. We were reluctant to leave; our kids had friends there, and our youngest was making progress with his swimming skills. However, the program committed an unforgivable act: they resorted to public humiliation as a method of punishment for our seven-year-old son.
My son is a kind-hearted and sensitive child with ADHD, which sometimes leads to bursts of excitement. During a game of sharks and minnows (essentially tag), he tagged a classmate a little too hard, causing the child to fall. According to both my son and his brother, the boy was unhurt. There had been no prior warnings about any behavior issues. Yet, following this incident, my son was made to sit against the wall for ten minutes as a punishment.
This kind of isolation is detrimental to him. At home, we don’t use isolation as a means of discipline, believing, like The Institute for Family Studies, that it communicates a message of rejection: “When you do something I dislike, I will push you away.” Naturally, my son became upset and turned away to hide his tears, not wanting the other kids to witness his distress. Unfortunately, the teacher forced him to face forward, making him the center of attention while he cried, which only intensified his humiliation as others pointed and laughed. My poor child endured ten minutes of this torment.
Humiliation as a form of punishment is inexcusable. It’s not just the extreme cases we hear about, like children being made to wear signs proclaiming their misdeeds. It includes subtler forms of shaming that many may not even recognize in their own behavior. For instance, calling a child names like “You idiot!” or expressing frustration with comments like “How could you be so careless?” inflicts shame not just about their actions but about who they are as individuals.
Psychology Today explains that children cannot separate their actions from their identities. Instead of addressing behavior, shaming can lead to feelings of worthlessness. We all slip up sometimes; I’m guilty of rolling my eyes or exclaiming “Why can’t you find your shoes?” But, as the publication reminds us, using shame as a behavior modification tool is ultimately ineffective and harmful.
The alternative to using humiliation is straightforward: simply don’t punish. Hold on, I don’t mean to suggest that kids can run wild without consequences. What I advocate for is a disciplined approach that teaches rather than humiliates. Discipline is about guiding children to behave as kind and thoughtful individuals rather than instilling fear through shame.
Research is clear: employing shaming or degrading tactics can lead to increased anxiety, depression, and aggressive behavior in children. For example, if one of my sons pushes the other, I might calmly approach and say, “I noticed you pushed your brother.” This directly addresses the behavior without condemning him as a person. Then I’d explain why pushing is harmful, illustrating that it’s not an arbitrary rule but something with real consequences.
Next, I’d introduce a natural consequence. Perhaps I’d ask him to apologize or encourage them to separate until they could play together kindly. My goal is to maintain a loving connection while effectively communicating the lesson.
It’s important to recognize that even the best parents can lose their tempers or say things they later regret. When that happens, it’s essential to apologize to our children and encourage them to do the same. We all need grace to learn and improve.
Humiliation as punishment damages the parent-child relationship, and none of us want to harm our kids. It’s vital to strive for understanding and communication, even when frustrations mount.
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In summary, public humiliation is an ineffective and damaging form of punishment that can have lasting negative effects on children. Instead of using shame, parents should focus on teaching and guiding their children through love and understanding.
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