When I had my first child, I felt like the ultimate mom. My days revolved around him, and we were in perfect sync. I rocked him to sleep every night, convinced I was meeting all of his needs. He was relaxed, kind, and clever, and I attributed all this to my stellar parenting skills.
However, when I became pregnant with my second child, I naively assumed I could replicate that same bond and care. I believed I could simply apply the same methods to my new baby, striving for that perfect balance. But within a few months of juggling two kids, reality struck. My second son, though equally wonderful, came with his own unique set of needs right from the start.
The first lesson I learned as a mother of two was crystal clear: aiming for equality in my relationships with my children was not only unnecessary, but it also added stress without truly benefiting anyone.
That said, my partner and I do recognize that children often have a keen sense of fairness. We strive to keep some elements of our family life balanced—everyone gets their share of hugs, equal presents at holidays, and the chance to select their birthday restaurant. We encourage sharing and taking turns; we make sure they have the same number of cookies to split. We’re not completely oblivious to the concept of fairness, but we don’t let it dictate our parenting decisions.
Each child demands different amounts of time, energy, and resources to flourish. It’s impossible to maintain a perfect balance, and I’ve come to terms with that.
Before I became a mom, I thought I had a firm grasp on what children needed. I read all the expert advice that suggested a one-size-fits-all approach, assuming that following a set formula would guarantee their happiness. But parenting is far more nuanced than that.
For instance, I once believed that children require a specific amount of one-on-one time with each parent to feel loved. However, I soon discovered that my oldest son preferred family time over solo outings. Despite our efforts to carve out individual moments for him, he consistently opted for shared experiences. Meanwhile, my younger son thrived on those one-on-one interactions, embracing the chance to spend time with just one parent at a time, like a quick bagel run with dad on a Sunday morning.
Focusing on equal time would mean neglecting each child’s unique needs. Instead, I aim to ensure they both feel loved and validated in ways that resonate with them. This approach alleviates the pressure on parents and fosters healthier relationships.
Abandoning the pursuit of strict equality has its long-term advantages. Teaching children about meeting individual needs instead of insisting on equal distribution helps them grasp the concept of equity—ensuring everyone has what they need to succeed—rather than mere equality, which can sometimes leave someone behind.
I want my kids to learn to advocate for themselves in various situations. It’s crucial for them to know they deserve fair treatment and that asking for help is a sign of strength. I’m determined to raise them to understand that fairness doesn’t always equate to equality.
Raising two kids isn’t merely doubling the effort; it’s akin to managing two completely different roles with their own demands. Each child has their own set of expectations based on their individual capabilities.
In the end, ensuring that everyone’s needs are met creates a sense of balance and fairness. Rigid equality often results in one child feeling overlooked. As parents, if we focus on meeting our children’s unique needs, we are doing right by all of them. So, if you find yourself overwhelmed trying to maintain equal relationships with your children, take a breather and give yourself some credit. Chances are, you’re already doing an amazing job.
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Summary
Navigating parenting with multiple children involves recognizing and addressing each child’s unique needs rather than striving for strict equality. By prioritizing individual requirements, parents can foster healthier relationships and better prepare their children for the complexities of life, where equity often trumps equality.
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