It often begins with a glance. Sometimes it’s directed at my daughter, sometimes at me, or even another parent nearby. The specifics of who receives the look matter little; what counts is that it’s always the same—a glance of judgment aimed at a child with autism, accompanied by a quick mental assessment that labels her as “a little off,” “strange,” or “bad.” This experience is relentless and can occur anywhere.
One morning during our family vacation in Los Angeles, my five-year-old daughter and I embarked on a beach adventure—just the two of us. She loves the ocean, so we stopped at a local café for coffee before heading out early to catch the sunrise and dodge the crowds. Both of us are on the autism spectrum, specifically with what’s known as Asperger’s Syndrome, which makes avoiding crowded spaces crucial to minimize overstimulation and anxiety. We’ve learned these tricks to navigate a world that often overlooks individuals like us.
Despite our best efforts, public outings inevitably involve interactions with others. While crowd avoidance is manageable, escaping judgment from onlookers who witness typical autistic behavior proves to be a challenge. Just 15 minutes into our beach outing, we experienced this firsthand.
It should never require my explanation that my daughter is autistic for someone to treat her with basic kindness.
Our first encounter with this judgment came from a woman strolling with her two pre-teen sons. As my daughter joyfully dashed back and forth at the water’s edge, flapping her arms and spinning in delight, one of the boys turned to his mother and asked, “What is she…doing?”
“I don’t know,” she replied, casting a judgmental eye my way before inquiring, “Is she…okay? What’s going on?”
“She’s playing,” I responded, hoping to defuse the situation.
“But is she…okay? Why is she making those…noises? And her hands look like…claws…”
“She’s autistic,” I said, trying to put an end to the questioning.
“Ohhh, I see,” she said uncomfortably, seemingly relieved to have categorized my daughter. She turned back to her son, whispering something I couldn’t hear as they continued walking down the beach.
This tendency to “figure out” others based on a brief interaction is a troubling norm in our society, adding unnecessary stress to many lives. Certain individuals seem to feel entitled to an explanation for why someone behaves a certain way, as if a valid reason is owed to them.
This phenomenon isn’t limited to autism. Parents of children with ADHD might be pressured to justify their child’s behavior to strangers, while individuals facing fertility challenges may be asked to elaborate on their need to leave an event early. A Black girl could be questioned about her emotional response to having her hair touched without consent.
The list of scenarios where sensitivity is lacking is endless. It can feel daunting trying to navigate so many different circumstances, yet the solution doesn’t lie in knowing every personal story. That’s simply unrealistic.
Imagine if that mom at the beach understood that my daughter’s “weird” behavior was called stimming, a common behavior among those with autism. Even better would have been if she had used that moment to educate her son about Autism Spectrum Disorder, helping him see that those who are different are still valid human beings. It would have been incredible if she had done all this without interrupting our special moment, turning it into a teaching opportunity without requiring us to educate her.
Feeling understood is a wonderful experience. Increasing our empathy for diverse lived experiences is essential, but it shouldn’t require a detailed explanation to elicit kindness. The fundamental necessity in that moment was simply to embody empathy and compassion.
I shouldn’t have to disclose my daughter’s autism for someone to stop staring or speaking to her condescendingly. If I must explain her autism for kindness to be shown, then that person has already failed. My daughter, like all individuals, deserves kindness, regardless of whether she appears “different” or “weird.” Being unique does not grant permission for mockery or judgment.
A transformative shift we can all make in our interactions is to prioritize kindness and empathy. Instead of rushing to judgment or trying to “figure someone out,” we should adopt an understanding mindset: “There may be something going on that I’m not privy to.”
Kindness, folks. Just be kind.
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In summary, we should strive to create a world where kindness and empathy are the default reactions in our interactions, moving away from judgment and towards understanding.
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