The experience often begins with a glance. Sometimes it’s directed at my daughter, sometimes at me, or even at another nearby parent or child. The identity of the person giving the look is inconsequential; the message is always the same. It’s a judgmental gaze that arises when a child with autism displays behaviors typical of their condition, leading to conclusions that the child is “a bit odd,” “unusual,” or “misbehaved.” This scenario unfolds frequently and can occur in any setting.
One morning during our family vacation in Los Angeles, my five-year-old daughter and I embarked on a special beach outing—just the two of us. She loves the ocean, so after grabbing coffee, we arrived early to witness the sunrise and avoid the throngs of people. As we both navigate life on the autism spectrum, specifically with high-functioning autism known as Asperger’s Syndrome, steering clear of crowds is essential for our comfort. Such environments often bring increased overstimulation, anxiety, and meltdowns, so we’ve developed strategies to manage these challenges, such as visiting public places at dawn.
Yet, no matter how diligent we are, public interactions are inevitable. While we can typically sidestep large crowds, encountering individuals who judge typical autistic behaviors proves far more challenging. This became evident just 15 minutes into our beach visit.
It should never be necessary for me to disclose my daughter’s autism for others to stop their judgmental stares and condescending remarks.
That morning, the first judgmental glance came from a mother walking with her two pre-teen sons. It was directed as my daughter joyfully ran between the ocean’s edge and my seated spot, flapping her arms in excitement, twirling, and attempting cartwheels—expressing herself in a way that made perfect sense to her, even if it puzzled onlookers.
“What is she…doing?” one of the boys asked his mother, pointing at my daughter.
“I don’t know,” she replied, casting a disapproving look my way before asking, “Is she…okay? What’s going on?”
“She’s playing,” I responded.
“But is she…okay? Why is she making those…noises? And her hands are like…claws…”
“She’s autistic,” I said, trying to swiftly end the inquiry.
“Ohhh, I see,” she replied, visibly uncomfortable.
Having received the explanation she sought, the mother turned back to her son, whispering something I couldn’t hear as they continued their walk down the beach.
This tendency to “figure out other people’s situations” based on a fleeting moment or interaction is an unfortunate norm in our society. This pattern adds unnecessary stress to many individuals’ lives, which could be entirely avoidable.
Some people traverse life believing they are entitled to an explanation for others’ behaviors, expecting a “valid” reason for how someone acts, speaks, or lives. This situation is all too common across various groups. For us, it was the pressure to justify autistic behaviors that others deemed “strange.” For parents of children with ADHD, it might involve explaining “bad behavior” to a stranger while their child struggles to manage emotions. For individuals facing fertility challenges or loss, it could mean justifying leaving a baby shower early. For a Black girl, it may involve explaining why she’s upset after her hair was touched without consent by a curious white child.
If one were to document each unique situation like this, the list would rival the length of Santa’s Naughty/Nice List or a lengthy receipt from a pharmacy—truly extensive.
At times, it can be overwhelming to acknowledge the myriad circumstances that exist, making it hard to know how to be sensitive to all of them. However, the simplest solution doesn’t stem from knowing every personal story or possessing an exhaustive understanding of every disorder or disability; that would be impractical for most of us to achieve.
Wouldn’t it have been remarkable if that mother on the beach understood that my daughter’s “weird” behavior was called stimming—an entirely normal behavior for individuals with autism? Certainly.
And how wonderful would it have been if she had used her newfound knowledge to educate her son about Autism Spectrum Disorder, portraying individuals with ASD as fully valid human beings with different neurological wiring? Absolutely.
Wouldn’t it have been incredible if she had done so subtly, transforming the moment into a learning opportunity without infringing upon our beach time? Definitely—it would have been fantastic.
It’s always gratifying to feel acknowledged and understood, and increasing our awareness of experiences beyond our own should be a shared goal. However, it’s important to note that such understanding is not a prerequisite for a positive interaction. All that was needed in that moment was genuine empathy and kindness.
I should never have to explain my daughter’s autism for others to cease their judgmental stares or remarks. If I must inform a stranger of her condition for them to show kindness, then they have already made a significant mistake. My daughter, like every individual, deserves basic kindness, irrespective of how “weird” or “different” she may appear. Being “weird” or “different” does not justify being subjected to ridicule or judgment.
One powerful shift we can collectively embrace as we navigate the world is to prioritize kindness and empathy in our interactions. Let’s move away from the compulsion to “figure everyone out” and the tendency to judge what we don’t comprehend. Instead, let’s adopt a mindset that recognizes there might be more beneath the surface than we perceive.
Kindness, everyone. Be. Absolutely. Kind.
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Summary
This article emphasizes the need for empathy and kindness towards individuals with autism and underscores the importance of not needing to disclose a person’s condition for them to receive respect. It highlights the societal tendency to judge others based on limited perceptions and advocates for a shift towards a more understanding and compassionate mindset.
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