While shopping for apples at the grocery store, a woman approached me and asked, “So, are you their foster mom?” She gestured towards my two children, who stood beside me.
“No, I’m their mother,” I replied, feeling an edge of annoyance. She didn’t move, seemingly unsatisfied with my answer. I sighed, frustrated that she felt entitled to question why a white woman was with two black children.
As a parent of a multiracial family, I’ve grown accustomed to inquiries about our family dynamics. However, that doesn’t mean I appreciate strangers using our outings as an opportunity for interrogation. For instance, I once experienced a TSA pat-down at the airport, during which an agent asked, “What’s up with your family?” Yes, as she conducted the search and all my belongings tumbled off the conveyor belt.
Questions like “Why didn’t their biological parents want them?” or “How much did they cost?” often arise. Some individuals ask if my children are real siblings or why I didn’t have biological kids. Others share their personal experiences, such as, “I adopted a cat last year, so I know how great adoption can be.” While some comments are well-meaning, many cross the line into invasive territory.
It’s important to clarify that not every question is harmful; we’ve encountered individuals who simply compliment our family or share their own adoption stories. However, there’s a thin line between sharing experiences and treating my children as if they are exhibits in a gallery.
My daughters particularly dislike inquiries about their hair from white women. We’ve had instances where adults have reached out to touch their cornrows. My kids know to assertively say, “Do not touch my hair,” and I’ve made it clear that such behavior is unacceptable. Curiosity doesn’t justify crossing boundaries. The line of questioning often includes, “Who does your hair?” or “Can your mom braid?”—interrogations that belittle the children’s autonomy.
What many fail to grasp is that while my children’s adoptions are evident, their personal stories are private. This is not out of shame or embarrassment; it’s because these narratives belong to them alone and are sacred, not for public scrutiny or admiration.
Some encounters have been outright bizarre. During a gynecological appointment, the nurse half-whispered a question about whether I planned to tell my kids they were adopted. I replied, “They can hear you. Given that they are black and I’m white, I think they’ll figure it out.” My kids have known about their adoption since infancy.
Another notable moment occurred in a grocery store when a woman asked me if my daughters were “real sisters.” Infuriated by her implication, I firmly responded, “Yes,” and left the store with my daughters, emphasizing that they could always choose to walk away from inappropriate questions.
Once, while dining out, a waitress asked, “Are you babysitting?” I retorted, “Nope! She’s mine!” The waitress’s subsequent excitement over their adoption was a bit over the top. I redirected her attention back to our meal.
Our family, which now consists of six members, undoubtedly draws attention. Our differences in skin tone are often the first thing people notice. While curiosity is natural, the need to delve into private matters is not. If you’re interested in adoption, it’s acceptable to inquire about general information; however, demanding personal details about my children’s stories is inappropriate.
To put it in perspective, how would you feel if someone asked for your weight, financial status, or childhood traumas? It’s invasive and entirely inappropriate. Each child’s adoption narrative is intertwined with their identity and will shape their experiences throughout their lives. They do not need strangers directing how they should feel about their backgrounds.
There are countless other topics to discuss, but my children’s adoption stories are off-limits. For additional insights on adoption and related resources, you might find this article on home insemination enlightening. Also, if you’re looking for support on fertility, consider exploring these fertility supplements. Furthermore, Women’s Health offers an excellent resource for those navigating pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary:
In a society where curiosity about multiracial families is common, it’s crucial to remember that while the visibility of adoption is clear, the stories behind it are deeply personal and should remain private. Strangers should respect the boundaries of these families, allowing children the space to define their own narratives without invasive questioning.
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