In the course of my transition, I find myself reflecting on my role as a parent, particularly through an interaction with my 8-year-old daughter, Lily. She had playfully unbuttoned her new shirt for her Halloween costume, leaving it open to admire her bare chest in the mirror. “I’m like one of those pride boys,” she exclaimed, referencing the individuals we see at Pride events, often adorned in open shirts, proudly displaying their bodies. Many of these individuals, including younger gay men and transmasculine folks, wear their scars from gender-affirming surgeries as badges of honor. This sense of pride is often celebrated in spaces like Pride, whereas it may not be embraced elsewhere. As a transgender parent, I can deeply relate to this sentiment.
I smiled and said, “One day, I’ll be able to do that too.”
“Really, Mama? Won’t that be weird?” she responded, scrunching her nose. I felt a twinge of understanding but assured her that my journey is my own, one that I will navigate without needing anyone’s validation. Still, I sincerely desire the support of my children. While my identity is mine alone, it inevitably intertwines with their experience.
“After I have my top surgery and don’t have breasts anymore, I can totally show off my chest,” I explained.
Lily remained uncertain, and I took the time to acknowledge her concerns. I shared that my scars from a double incision mastectomy would indeed be new and might take time to adjust to. She is aware that some people still perceive me as female, and that societal norms dictate that girls shouldn’t reveal their chests. I emphasized that there’s no shame in having breasts; the pressure to hide them stems from society’s misguided expectations. Ultimately, I conveyed that such notions are fundamentally flawed.
Though she wasn’t entirely comfortable, she exhibited an openness to learning. Both Lily and my other two children had shown similar attitudes when I came out as nonbinary. For years, I struggled with my identity, questioning whether I was a transgender man. However, identifying as nonbinary resonated more with me; I find myself a blend of both masculinity and femininity. I encourage my children and everyone else to use they/them pronouns when referring to me.
I came to understand my gender identity later in life, at the age of 39, which felt daunting as I had already built a life being recognized as female for almost four decades. I had three children who lovingly called me Mama, and I knew any changes would significantly impact them.
My children have been incredibly supportive, but I recognize that having a parent who is openly transgender can put them in positions where they must advocate for me, correcting peers and teachers when I am misgendered. I don’t place the burden of activism on them, but I do ask for their respect and remind them to avoid slipping into using female pronouns, especially around friends.
Learning to use the correct pronouns has taken practice, but they are getting better at self-correcting. When I initially transitioned, my children wanted to know if they could still call me Mama. Their acceptance was crucial, as I needed them to know I would always be their mom.
The term Mama, often viewed as feminine, doesn’t detract from my identity as a masculine presenting nonbinary person. Hearing them call for me brings warmth to my heart, despite the occasional feeling of annoyance when they shout my name.
“Tell me again when you’re getting your top surgery?” Lily asked.
“On October 29th,” I replied.
“We should have a Boob Voyage party!” she suggested.
“That sounds fantastic!”
“And don’t forget, we want your breasts made into little pillows!” she added.
“Noted,” I laughed.
Transitioning is a personal journey, and there’s no singular approach that defines what it means to be transgender. My transition involves both social and medical changes that impact my children, prompting me to consider conversations about pronouns, labels, and surgery. While I sometimes worry about how overwhelming it may be for us all, it has largely been a positive experience. Yes, there are adjustments, but we also celebrate the moments, like the idea of a pillow made from my breasts.
In the end, my transition toward a happier self benefits not just me but my entire family.
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Summary:
This article reflects on a transgender parent’s experience during their transition, emphasizing the impact of their journey on their children. The narrative highlights the importance of open dialogue about identity, societal norms, and the necessity of support in navigating these changes. Ultimately, the author underscores that their transition is not just a personal endeavor but a family journey that fosters growth, understanding, and connection.
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