In middle school, I experienced puberty ahead of most of my peers. My body transformed almost overnight, prompting comments from relatives like, “Is that really you, Jessica?” as they pinched the flesh on my upper arms or thighs.
I always felt hungry. While it appeared that my friends remained unchanged in size and showed little appetite, my craving for food was relentless, yet I was content.
By the time I reached my sophomore year, I decided to begin exercising. I gained muscle tone and strength, but my teenage mindset convinced me it wasn’t sufficient.
So, I began to track my calorie intake and reduce carbohydrates. Initially, I made healthier choices without completely cutting out food groups. However, my downfall came when I started weighing myself regularly. That’s when the problems began. I allowed the number on the scale to dictate my self-worth. Rather than focusing on my well-being, I fixated on achieving a certain size and berated myself for any weight gain. Instead of celebrating my progress and listening to my body, my once healthy lifestyle morphed into a series of compulsive behaviors.
I became consumed with calorie counting, and it didn’t take long for me to memorize the calorie counts of all my favorite foods. I convinced myself that to be healthy, I needed to make the “right” choices every single moment, never skip a workout, and avoid indulging or eating to the point of fullness.
I labeled my habits as “healthy,” but strict self-discipline bordering on obsession was far from beneficial. It was detrimental to my physical and mental health. I despised counting calories yet felt unable to stop. In class, I would constantly tally the calories of what I had consumed that day, spiraling into self-loathing. I labeled myself “weak” and scolded myself for any moments of enjoyment in food. My health deteriorated—my menstrual cycle ceased, my hair began to fall out, and I frequently dozed off in classes.
I was clearly struggling with an eating disorder. My fixation on being “healthy” ultimately made me sicker than ever. I prioritized calorie counting and food restrictions over my own well-being, leading to immense unhappiness.
My obsession with dieting consumed me entirely, resulting in social anxiety and a relentless cycle of negative thoughts. My eating disorder overshadowed much of my high school experience.
Eventually, during college, I began to heal from this disordered relationship with food. It was a long and challenging journey. Yes, I gained weight, but I rediscovered my sense of self, feeling healthy and strong again, with a firm commitment to never return to my previous mindset.
And I have kept that promise. Counting calories or adhering to restrictive diets now triggers my anxiety. Such practices are not healthy. Fad diets, counting carbs, and eliminating foods deemed “bad” lead me back into a dark spiral of obsession. I refuse to let myself fall into that trap again.
Now, I engage in exercise because it enhances my mood, not for appearance or scale numbers. I maintain a balanced diet with moderation, which includes indulgent trips to places like McDonald’s. My weight may fluctuate, as is common, but my overall mood is steadier. I am living life fully, enjoying food and friendships. I’ve liberated myself from the mental burden of calorie counting.
I no longer avoid social gatherings out of fear that there won’t be options that align with a restricted diet. I know I’m leading a healthier life, free from an oppressive food prison where strict rules made me feel drained and perpetually hungry.
I will never revert to the teenage girl who abstained from pizza or brownies for nearly four years. She was so tightly wound that she never felt comfortable or satisfied.
Letting go of calorie counting allowed me to embrace a happier version of myself. Trust me when I say that your happiness far outweighs any number on the scale. For further insights on letting go of unhealthy habits, check out this post here.
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Summary:
This article explores the author’s journey through the challenges of calorie counting and the obsession with restrictive diets during adolescence. It discusses the mental and physical toll these behaviors took, leading to a profound realization about the importance of happiness over numbers on a scale. The author emphasizes a balanced approach to eating and exercise, ultimately advocating for self-acceptance and joy in life.
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