I find myself grappling with a profound sense of isolation in my community. On one side are my old friends, still devoted and unwavering in their faith, embodying what it means to be good Mormons. On the other side are my newer acquaintances, who have never experienced the constraints of my former religion and live freely without its indoctrination. Yet, there seems to be no one who truly understands my journey.
Having been raised in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, commonly known as the Mormon Church, I dutifully participated in all the rituals and traditions. I attended Sunday services, completed seminary, and had my marriage sealed in the temple. Although my husband and I were not deeply immersed in church life, we fulfilled all the necessary obligations to maintain appearances for our families. In the world of Mormons, it’s often an all-or-nothing approach; we chose to be all in, believing we were adhering to the faith.
However, everything shifted when we discovered the Mormon Stories Podcast. This resource became a turning point. We spent countless nights engrossed in the stories of other former Mormons, people who had once been just like us—devout and committed—yet found their way out for various reasons, including the church’s exclusion policy for LGBTQ families, its treatment of the LGBTQ community, and the numerous issues surrounding church history.
The realization of the deceit within the church struck me deeply. The fabrications and manipulations were overwhelming; I began to see the church as far more culpable of sin than any of its individual members.
For months, we delved into church history, fascinated yet frustrated by the revelations. How could I have accepted these beliefs? Just a few months prior, I was fully committed, but now my reality was crumbling. I felt a mix of relief and grief. As a Mormon, the belief that being married in the temple meant eternal family connections was foundational. Now, I grapple with uncertainty about whether I will see my family after death, a question that haunts me.
Navigating life within the Mormon community has become increasingly challenging. Their lives are deeply intertwined with the church, while I have broken free from its grasp. Some friends may suspect that I’ve left; others know, and that knowledge creates an undeniable distance. My family is aware, but my husband’s family remains in the dark due to his fear of their reaction. It’s not uncommon for those who leave to face disownment.
Perceptions of those who leave the church are often harsh. You’re labeled a coward, someone who found the faith too difficult, or a person merely seeking to indulge in sin. You become viewed as weak or lost—an apostate. Yet, for many, leaving is a profoundly difficult choice and not simply an escape from responsibility.
In the year since I made the decision to leave, I have taken small but significant steps toward embracing my new identity. I’ve mustered the courage to wear a tank top in public, something that took me multiple attempts, and I’ve learned how to order my favorite drink at Starbucks.
Returning to my initial sentiment, I feel a profound disconnect in my community. I can’t fully embrace my new self around my Mormon friends; there’s an unspoken tension between us. They may view my presence as sinful, and if I were to indulge in something like a White Claw in front of them, it could lead to their swift departure from my life.
I’m attempting to connect with my new friends, but they often don’t grasp the significance of me being invited for coffee for the first time at 33. They don’t understand my insecurities about fashion choices or my lack of knowledge about wine. They cannot fathom the enormity of what I’ve lost—my former life and beliefs have crumbled, leaving me to rebuild.
If there’s one takeaway from my experience, it’s this: anyone going through a faith crisis, regardless of their religion, faces immense challenges. It’s a journey filled with difficulty, and I hope for empathy from others. As I navigate the remnants of my former beliefs, I refuse to pretend to be someone I’m not. I will stay true to my convictions and show my children that they can do the same.
I may not have a community, but I will maintain my integrity as I forge my own path.
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Summary:
The author recounts their journey of leaving the Mormon Church, detailing the feelings of isolation and disconnection from both former and new friends. They grapple with the implications of their departure from faith, the struggles of rebuilding their identity, and the challenges faced by those who leave religious communities. Ultimately, they emphasize the importance of integrity over community.
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