The decision to divorce was unavoidable, yet I firmly believed that a high-conflict separation was not my only option. Early in the process, in the interest of our children, I resolved to part ways with my ex-spouse as amicably as possible. I shared this intention with him, and on his better days, he concurred. His public demeanor aligned with this sentiment, and the parts of him that considered our extended families agreed as well. For the most part, the part of him that focused on our children was on board too.
Despite the emotional wounds we both carried, we dedicated ourselves to facilitating a peaceful divorce. A key aspect of this commitment was opting for mediation instead of involving attorneys and the court system. We believed this choice would not only save us potentially tens of thousands of dollars but also minimize the conflict and stress our kids would have to face. Why funnel money into legal fees when we could engage in mature discussions with a neutral mediator? It seemed like a commendable plan.
I often find myself contemplating well-publicized divorces, such as that of actress Mia Hartley, who has never publicly disparaged her ex-husband, Jack. In a recent interview, she reflected on their separation, saying, “It was challenging, but I take pride in how well our children have adapted. We committed to prioritizing their well-being.” As someone who has always prioritized my children, I can’t help but read between the lines of what Hartley is expressing. When anyone brings up my ex, I speak only positively about him. In front of the kids, I elevate him as the perfect father. To those who know us, I assure them that our divorce is as amicable as it gets. And, for the most part, it appears that way.
However, the reality behind closed doors tells a different story, which is the most arduous aspect of an “amicable divorce.” That’s why I scrutinize Hartley’s glowing comments about her ex. Is there genuine affection there? Are they truly such good friends? Or has the constant threat of protracted legal battles always loomed over them, as it has for me?
While Hartley and Jack may indeed embody the civility they portray, my experience has been vastly different. My desire to shield my children from the trauma of a contentious divorce led me to suppress the reality of what I was enduring. This choice ultimately left me emotionally and materially scarred.
My ex was well aware of my determination to protect our children from an ugly separation, and he exploited that knowledge to manipulate me. He made hurtful remarks, confident that I wouldn’t retaliate for fear of upsetting the kids. He assumed I wouldn’t confide in our mutual friends because he knew I would go to great lengths to prevent any negative information from reaching our children, thus preserving their favorable view of him. He leveraged my commitment to their well-being, negotiating me out of assets that were rightfully mine. The looming threat of “if you don’t like it, I’ll see you in court” was always present.
His hurtful comments were so numerous that I began documenting them in a journal. When I saw him acting like a perfect gentleman around our friends, I struggled to reconcile that with the cruel things he had said to me. It often made me feel as though I was losing my grip on reality. To stay grounded, I would revisit my journal entries to remind myself of the truth. I kept telling myself that I just had to endure it.
And endure I did, but it was a frustrating, isolating, and at times unbearable experience. There were days when I doubted I could make it through, longing to confide in someone about the harsh reality I was facing. Close friends felt distant because they were also friends with my ex, and when they inquired about my well-being, I couldn’t share the truth. I wanted to discuss my struggles, just as I would with any other serious issue, expressing how difficult it was to be around my ex and how our “amicable divorce” was far from amicable.
Yet, I remained silent. Now that the divorce is finalized and my ex has naturally drifted away from many shared friends, I have begun to be honest with a few of them. This honesty has provided a sense of redemption and affirmation. Some friends even admitted they saw through his facade, which has been comforting to know.
Ultimately, like Mia Hartley, we succeeded in safeguarding our children’s emotional health. They are blissfully unaware of the turmoil that transpired behind the scenes. So, I am grateful I chose to take the high road. But it was undoubtedly the most challenging part of my separation.
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Summary
The author shares her experience of attempting an amicable divorce, emphasizing the emotional and material toll it took on her. Despite the public persona of a friendly separation, the reality was fraught with manipulation and pain. Ultimately, she preserved her children’s well-being while grappling with the hidden difficulties of her situation.
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