By Emily Johnson
I found myself in what I jokingly refer to as the “crazy house” when I was hospitalized due to postpartum depression. My three-day stay at a behavioral health facility was a whirlwind of emotions, and while I often try to inject humor into my story when sharing it with friends, the reality of my experience is anything but funny. I believe in being open about my struggles in hopes that it encourages others to seek help when they need it.
People often perceive my life as perfect. I have a delightful baby, a supportive partner who is a successful engineer, and a seemingly bright future ahead. However, I don’t want anyone to think I’m flawless; that kind of thinking can lead to unrealistic comparisons and expectations. I have my own challenges, including failing college exams and dealing with postpartum depression.
Being admitted to the behavioral unit was one of the most human experiences of my life. I felt raw and vulnerable, acknowledging for the first time that I was not okay. My son, born with a critical condition called fetal maternal hemorrhage, spent over a week in the NICU. I barely got to see him after his birth, and the chaos of my emotions only intensified as I grappled with my recovery from a C-section.
After my son’s condition began to improve, I was excited to go home, believing I had passed all the screenings for postpartum depression. Little did I know the struggles that awaited me. When my son came home, the reality of motherhood hit me hard. Days and nights blurred together as I wrestled with anxiety and the overwhelming demands of caring for a newborn. I found myself neglecting basic self-care, unable to eat or sleep, and consumed by fear of something happening to my baby.
The breaking point came one day when I felt an unbearable weight of despair. I began daydreaming about escaping my life and dangerously contemplated taking my antidepressants in a way that would end it all. Thankfully, I recognized these thoughts as harmful and reached out to my mother for support. She was my lifeline, encouraging me to seek help.
After mustering the courage to leave my home, I headed to the emergency room, where I was met with understanding and compassion. The staff quickly assessed my situation and prepared to send me to Bayview Behavioral Hospital for further treatment. I remember the ride to the facility—darkness outside, filled with uncertainty about what lay ahead.
Once I arrived, the atmosphere was starkly different from what I had imagined. I wasn’t greeted with the comfort of a cozy space but rather a bright, cold waiting room. As I sat there, I couldn’t help but think of my partner and my son, worried about how they would perceive my hospitalization.
Eventually, I was moved to a room where I underwent a series of assessments. The staff was thorough and attentive, asking me about my mental health history and current feelings. Their concern made me feel less alone, and I learned that I was not the only one facing these struggles.
After completing the assessments, I was admitted to the hospital. The reality of being away from my family, especially my baby, hit me hard. But my mother’s encouraging words echoed in my mind—“Look for the light.” This mantra became my guiding principle throughout my stay.
The experience was eye-opening; I realized that many people were battling their demons, and it was nothing like the dramatic portrayals seen in movies. I was surrounded by individuals who were navigating their own challenges, and together we sought healing and support.
If you or someone you know is facing similar challenges, it’s crucial to reach out for help. There are resources available, like Mount Sinai’s infertility resources that can provide invaluable support. For those considering alternative family-building methods, the Home Insemination Kit offers practical solutions. For further insights, check out this post about postpartum experiences.
In summary, my journey through postpartum depression and hospitalization taught me the importance of vulnerability and seeking help. It’s a reminder that no one is alone in their struggles, and there is a path to healing.
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