Trigger warning: child loss
As human beings, we often find ourselves grappling with our first intrusive thoughts, which can be unsettling. However, we possess the ability to reshape our subsequent thoughts. These initial fears can spiral into vivid scenarios that linger in our minds, and it is our awareness of these thoughts that shapes how we cope with them.
For me, the most distressing and intrusive thoughts revolve around the loss of my daughter, whom I held for just four months and two days before she tragically passed away from SIDS. Her unexpected death has given rise to an incessant, haunting question: What if, heaven forbid, I were to experience the loss of another child?
I remember going to bed one night with my daughter, only to awaken the next morning to the agonizing reality of her absence. The emotions I experienced and the haunting images from that Sunday morning are akin to every parent’s worst nightmare. This reality, which once seemed unimaginable, has become all too familiar.
The sheer shock of her passing has stripped away my sense of peace as a mother. It feels as though my entire world could come crashing down at any moment. Unsurprisingly, this persistent fear takes a toll on my well-being.
When my children are away, even if they are with their father, I struggle to find calm. A call from an unknown number sends waves of dread through me, igniting fears of tragic news.
A year after my daughter’s death, my partner, Alex, and I welcomed two new babies. Yet, many mornings, I would wake up consumed by panic. If they or my surviving children slept longer than usual, I would rush to check on them, trembling and whispering prayers, “Please, God, don’t let them be dead. Don’t let them be dead.”
To lose my daughter was to have the light within me extinguished, leaving me barely able to cope with the thought of enduring that agony again. I have always been a cautious mother, but now I wish I could wrap my kids in a protective bubble. The thought of them leaving our home to face a world beyond my control fills me with dread, even as I acknowledge that these fears are irrational.
As their mother, it is my responsibility to encourage their independence. I refuse to be the parent who stifles their growth. Yet, internally, I often face immense pain. This fear can be suffocating, robbing me of joy as it spirals into a relentless cycle of worst-case scenarios.
Until recently, I hesitated to voice these fears, as if speaking them could somehow manifest them into reality. Growing up, I was taught to avoid uttering thoughts that I didn’t want to materialize. Yet, I am beginning to understand that without acknowledging these fears, I inadvertently give them more power. Keeping my anxieties hidden only allows them to fester.
Before experiencing child loss, I lived without this constant undercurrent of worry. However, I still lost my daughter, which leads me to believe that sometimes, tragedy strikes without warning or reason. Sometimes, it is simply a matter of unfortunate luck.
Despite my feelings of powerlessness in this vast world, I recognize that trying to control every situation out of fear will not prevent negative outcomes. Instead, it may keep my remaining children and me from truly living. Above all, I refuse to let fear dictate our lives, as I am determined that my family embraces every moment to the fullest.
Our experiences have taught us the value of life, leading us to cherish each day with fervor. Our children do not know the bitterness of going to bed angry, and we ensure that every goodbye is filled with love, complete with requested bear hugs and kisses.
While I cannot control my initial intrusive thoughts, I can influence my subsequent reactions. In this journey of healing, I am learning that our greatest fears do not define the foundation upon which we stand. For more insights, check out another post on our blog here.
In summary, the journey of coping with the loss of a child brings forth fears that can feel overwhelming. Yet, through acknowledgment and a commitment to living fully, we can learn to navigate these emotions and embrace life with love and resilience.
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