Navigating parenting can be a complex journey, especially when it comes to managing behaviors in our children. Take for instance my firstborn, Mia, who had a tendency to bite when faced with overwhelming emotions. This behavior intensified when we temporarily cared for a toddler, leading to multiple biting incidents. Naturally, we were horrified. The notion of biting her back as a form of punishment was suggested by some, but it never resonated with me. I found myself pondering, “What’s the underlying cause of this behavior?”
The reason became clearer as I reflected on Mia’s transition from being our sole focus to sharing that spotlight with another child. Suddenly, she found herself in a new, confusing situation, which manifested as biting. Two-year-olds often lack the vocabulary to express their feelings and are primarily egocentric. Their emotions can be intense, oscillating between joy and frustration as they grapple with the world around them.
In an effort to address Mia’s biting, we introduced a board book titled Teeth Are Not For Biting, reading it together repeatedly. Fortunately, her behavior improved when the toddler returned home, but the arrival of her younger sister brought about fresh challenges.
Now, as a parent of four, I recognize the value of an approach known as connective parenting. Initially, I was skeptical, having been raised in a more traditional household where misbehavior was often met with punishment. However, I realized that this method could provide the consistency we desperately needed within our bustling household.
Connective parenting focuses on understanding the reasons behind a child’s actions rather than labeling the child based on those behaviors. Are they hungry, tired, or feeling neglected? Sometimes, emotions like jealousy or confusion drive their actions. As parents, we have to become detectives, seeking to uncover the triggers behind our children’s behavior.
Although it’s not a foolproof method, the approach allows us to connect with our children before addressing their actions. This entails maintaining eye contact, using calm voices, and engaging in gentle touch. Once we identify the emotional turmoil, we can then discuss the behavior and work toward a solution.
This doesn’t mean we excuse inappropriate behavior. After ensuring that our children feel understood, we engage them in a problem-solving dialogue. When they misbehave, they generally recognize the need to apologize. For instance, if one child throws a toy in anger, they learn to express remorse by acknowledging their actions: “I’m sorry for throwing your toy.” Often, a hug follows, and we move on.
One significant advantage of this parenting style is that it eliminates the need for delayed punishments. Such methods can foster resentment and inadvertently penalize children for simply feeling emotions. Instead, if children genuinely apologize and take responsibility, further consequences may not be necessary. However, in cases where an action leads to a natural consequence—like breaking a toy—they learn firsthand about the repercussions of their actions.
It’s essential to remember that everyone has challenging days, and children should not be punished for expressing their feelings. If we teach them to suppress their emotions, we risk instilling unhealthy habits. As adults, we often cope with tough times through self-care, whether it’s enjoying a favorite beverage or seeking professional help. Similarly, connective parenting allows our children the space to navigate their feelings, reorient themselves, and begin anew.
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In summary, establishing boundaries for our children while simultaneously validating their feelings is crucial. By utilizing methods that focus on connection rather than punishment, we can nurture emotionally intelligent and respectful individuals.
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