During my teenage years, I often found myself retreating into silence. I buried my true desires deep within, particularly if they deviated from societal norms. My focus was primarily on achievements, maintaining an ideal weight, and striving for perfection—all while hiding my imperfections. I suppressed any traits that I thought might not be well-received by others and remained quiet while enduring various forms of abuse throughout my childhood.
How I wished for an adult who I could trust enough to reveal my authentic self.
Although my parents loved me, they were not prepared to support me through the tumultuous transition into adolescence. My father, who often concealed his own emotions, inadvertently instilled a sense of fear in me about sharing mine. His dedication to his career left little room for meaningful connection. If I faltered in school or in extracurricular activities, he would criticize my performance and compare me to my younger sister, who was struggling academically, which only added to my pressure to excel.
My mother, despite being a stay-at-home parent, didn’t always create an environment where I felt I could be myself. Whenever I attempted to explore my identity, her fear often led to criticism. Whether it was gaining weight, changing my hair color, or expressing romantic feelings toward someone other than a boy, her reactions felt judgmental and discouraging.
Now, as a mother to two children and a stepmother to one, I realize how much I could have benefited from having parents who understood the importance of being a safe space. Had they provided the unconditional support I needed, perhaps I wouldn’t have struggled with an eating disorder or felt the weight of shame that lingers to this day.
My stepdaughter, who is nearly 14, is beginning to navigate her own identity. Watching her journey brings back memories of my own, as she often ties her self-worth to academic success and the approval of those around her. Recently, we made the tough decision to move closer to family for additional support while raising our younger children, which has left her primarily in the care of her mother and stepfather.
While she undoubtedly has adults who love her, I often worry about whether she feels free to express her true self at home. The challenges of adolescence, compounded by mental health issues and the quest for self-identity, can be overwhelming. I want her to feel supported and accepted by every parental figure in her life, but I see her hesitate when faced with the possibility of pursuing her genuine interests that might not align with expectations.
Through extensive therapy, I’ve learned to create a safe space for myself, something I lacked as a child. However, teens shouldn’t have to wait until adulthood to experience the freedom of being vulnerable with those closest to them. It’s crucial for them to know their parents will stand by them unconditionally, providing a nonjudgmental environment for exploration and growth.
In a compelling article from HuffPost, author Melissa Greene references a poignant image from Lisa Damour’s book, Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions into Adulthood. The image of a young woman sinking into water evokes the feelings I experienced in my youth. Damour emphasizes that “your daughter needs a wall to swim to, and she needs you to be a wall that can withstand her comings and goings.” Some parents, feeling hurt by their child’s rejections, may withdraw, inadvertently leaving their daughters adrift in challenging waters.
Greene underscores the importance of remaining a steady presence for our teens during their turbulent times. Recognizing that withdrawal is a natural part of adolescent development, we must also find external support systems to help us manage our discomfort.
Greene suggests three empowering strategies for becoming a refuge for our teenagers: be aware of our own emotional triggers, avoid pushing ourselves to exhaustion, and encourage our teens to seek support from other adults. “In an era when young people often feel like they are splashing around in deep waters, I want my kids—and your kids too—to know that they can find refuge in their parents,” she writes.
Having lacked supportive adult figures beyond my parents, I spent too much time concealing my true self to avoid conflict at home. I wish for my stepdaughter not to go through her teenage years feeling she must hide who she is. It is essential for her to know that she can turn to me for support and love, no matter her choices. I strive to consistently reassure her that my acceptance is unconditional, as I believe this will empower her to forge a life that feels authentic to her.
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Summary:
Teens need to perceive their parents as a supportive safety net rather than figures of fear. The author reflects on her own adolescent struggles and emphasizes the importance of unconditional love and acceptance from parents. She aims to provide her stepdaughter with the safety she lacked, ensuring that her home is a space where authenticity is encouraged.
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