Life is full of certainties, or so we think. There are topics we hold strong opinions about, convinced we know how we would react when faced with them. For me, abortion was one such topic. I identified as pro-choice, yet I firmly believed I would never undergo an abortion myself—at least, that was my truth.
In my sophomore year of college, I experienced a traumatic event: I was raped. During that harrowing time, I contemplated the possibility of becoming pregnant. The thought of seeing my attacker’s traits in a child was unbearable, but I believed I could manage the situation if it arose. I felt a sense of responsibility to celebrate a child’s life, even under those circumstances. Although I briefly considered abortion, I was relieved that I never had to make that choice.
As time went on and I actively tried to conceive, I still held firm to my beliefs about abortion. In my first pregnancy, we were presented with various genetic tests, most of which we declined, as I felt the results wouldn’t influence our decision to carry the pregnancy to term. We did choose to undergo basic screenings, like the nuchal translucency test and anatomy scan, which yielded positive results, leading to the birth of our healthy child, Emma.
However, during my second pregnancy, everything shifted. As we approached the 15th week, we underwent the same first trimester screen. While the ultrasounds were promising, the blood test indicated a 1 in 77 chance of Down syndrome, prompting further testing. A cell-free DNA test revealed a far more severe condition: our daughter had a high probability of trisomy 13, a fatal chromosomal abnormality.
Faced with this devastating diagnosis, we explored our options. The choices presented to us were stark:
- Carry to Term with Aggressive Medical Intervention: This option would mean fighting for our daughter’s life, involving surgeries and intensive hospital care, but with a likely poor quality of life and significant risks to my health.
- Carry to Term with Palliative Care: We could choose not to pursue life-saving measures. This option would also carry risks for both of us, with no guarantees about her comfort or quality of life.
- Early Induction for Medical Reasons: This would allow us to terminate the pregnancy and donate her body for scientific study, providing a peaceful passing.
- Standard Abortion Procedure: This would entail a dilation and evacuation (D&E) procedure, which would prevent us from holding her or donating her body.
After careful consideration, we chose to induce labor early at 19.5 weeks. I had to take medication to terminate the pregnancy and sign documents categorizing this as an abortion. The terminology felt wrong; it made me feel hollow. This was not a decision made lightly; we had desired this pregnancy and loved our child. Yet, we were confronted with a painful reality, one I had never truly understood until it became my own.
It was easy to hold strong opinions from the sidelines, but I found that true understanding comes only when faced with life’s harshest decisions. Many women suffer in silence, grappling with their own experiences of terminating wanted pregnancies. They fear judgment from those around them—friends, family, and society at large—because they, too, never thought they would find themselves in such a situation.
Today, I share my story to bring light to those silent struggles, to honor my daughter, whom we named Bella, and to connect with others who may be experiencing similar pain. I am proud to say that she lived her brief life free of suffering and experienced only love in her final moments. My husband and I supported each other through this unimaginable time, and our bond grew stronger as we navigated this journey together.
For those seeking help or information on pregnancy and related topics, I recommend visiting the NIH website, which offers excellent resources. Additionally, for those considering home insemination, you can find valuable insights at Home Insemination Kit and Make A Mom.
In summary, life can take unexpected turns, challenging our most firmly held beliefs. It’s essential to have compassion for ourselves and others who must navigate these complex choices. No one should feel alone in their journey, and our voices should never be silenced.
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